We welcome weekly nominations from our readers.

Until then, my choice for week seven’s Tampy has to go to Viking’s HC Brad Childress. He’s on the road against the world champs six inches away from the goal line and he kicks a field goal on fourth down. He went for a fourth down two plays earlier at the Steeler 35. Why not on 1st and one from the Steeler 1… when you have Adrian Peterson?

Maybe Childress isn’t a Viking at all; maybe he’s a Vag King.

SUNDAY TICKET

I subscribe to DirecTV Sunday ticket. On the Red Zone Channel, Andrew Siciliano transports his viewers from game to game whenever a team is in the Red Zone or on a sustained drive. We get replays of turnovers, touchdowns, and controversies. In effect, the audience gets to watch the most important moments of every game.

I set my remote to switch from my game of choice to the RZ channel and I’m golden for about six hours. The only downside: listening to mostly so-by-so play-by-play guys and gunmetal grey color commentators.

I still love Dick Enberg’s signature, “Oh myyy…” Kevin Harlan has a rich eminently listenable voice. And we can all thank God Kenny Albert sounds only a teeny bit like brothers Al and Marv.

On the color commentary side, Brian Billick may be nauseatingly too well-informed, but he can explain the weakness of a 4-3 defense clearly. You get the impression the former Ravens’ coach is the smartest guy in the stadium and that he feels it is necessary to remind us of that status no less than three times per half.

Troy Aikman can tell you why QB X missed the hot read on a corner blitz and how the defense can thwart that escape hatch. Steve Tasker waxes eloquently on how to split a double team block while covering punts. A seasoned fan or a novice can learn a lot from some of these guys.

The rest of their colleagues sound very much alike–like dialogue in a “B” movie.

I guess that’s why they call it broadcasting.

It wouldn’t be so bad if even the good ones didn’t end up at the same place their less talented colleagues do… in Clichéville, spouting lines like, “Well you know, Steve, it is what it is.”

IT IS WHAT IT IS

I guess it really depends on what the definition of “it” is.

And you thought there was no way I could get political.

Watch me.

“It is what it is.,” is another contemporary example of an annoying truism usually started by an inarticulate athlete with nothing to say. One day, his newly minted word or phrase speaks profoundly to some star struck interviewer. Then the folks on ESPN pick it up and, “BooYah” the little chestnut grows roots into the American psyche.

The next thing you know Chuck Schumer slips it in during a “Countdown” segment decrying the lack of partisanship in the health care debate.

“Well, you know Keith… ‘It is what it is’…”

“It” is even worse…

ON THE FIELD

Here, entire interviews have morphed into predictable exchanges of the exact same questions asked by mostly female sideline “reporters” and similar answers offered by coaches who act like the interview is tolerable only if they are winning by three touchdowns.

If his team is losing, we get the distinct feeling the coach is thinking, “Would it be bad if I snapped this woman’s neck on national television?”

When the game ends, reporters pepper athletes with such probing queries as: “Ben, what was going through your mind when you–(insert accomplishment here)?”

“Well, I saw (insert teammate’s cool nickname here) open and I got him the ball. My O-line gave me time and, you know, it all goes on my line.”

Here are two questions and answers I’d love to hear.

1. At halftime during the next Redskins game:

“Coach Zorn, now that you’ve allowed Daniel Snyder to deball you in front of the world, any regrets?”

“No, Sally, if I had one iota of a testicle, I would have told Dan to pound salt and let him fire me or resign–but then I would have had to take back the Beemer and Costa Rican villa I just bought for my wife. No way I’m putting myself through that. Truth is Sal, I really don’t feel deballed because I never had–thanks…”

2. At the end of the next Steeler game:

“Ben, what were you thinking when you threw that walk-off pick six?”

“Tough one, Pam. I saw the safety close on ‘’Tone,” I checked off to Hines then caught a shot of a cheerleader smilin’ at me. Everything slowed down for a sec and I wondered if she might, you know, know how to fix my busted iPod. By then my weak O-line melted like a Kleenex in a thunderstorm and I threw the ball up for grabs. It’s all on my O-line. But hey, you know, it is what it is…”

LINES PLEASE

After seven weeks of incredibly shallow insight, my Cracker Jack box analysis of every, trend, tendency, possibility, along with my debatable knowledge of each match-up of the ‘09 NFL campaign has brought us here… drum roll, please…

51 – 51 with one push.

Yes, my countless hours of vodka soaked research have borne the bland, mushy fruit of mediocrity.

The Gairzo stands at .500, which means, if you bet every game I picked you would be as rich or poor now as you were in August.

So, don’t be hatin’. You bought the weekly cases of Corona, the meat-lover pizzas and the pints of Jack, not me. If you are broke, look in the mirror, not here.

On the brighter side, The Gairzo Gravy Train Of Specialty Picks–heretofore known as the Double-G TSP–has pulled into 17 stations a winner and only 3 as a loser.

Last week the 49ers gave us our first push of the year, Philadelphia destroyed Washington, and the Steelers pulled a rabbit out of Brett Favre’s helmet in an impossible game to call.

THE UPSET OF THE WEEK

The Vikings look like legitimate Super Bowl players, that is, until Favre’s arm wilts in December; Green Bay isn’t there yet. Minnesota has Adrian Peterson… and Brett Favre with something to prove. Take the Horned Norsemen and the points.

THE LOCK OF THE WEEK

The Bengals embarrassed Chicago in the Queen City last week. If Da Bears can’t beat Mangina’s Browns–a team in total disarray–by 14 points, heads should roll.

THE SUCKERS BET OF THE WEEK

I can’t take the pick-em game in Philly against the G-Men. Too easy; it’s like saying, “If you like the tomatoes, take the spaghetti sauce or the chili.” Thank you Dr. Obvious.

I’ll go with the Jets against the Fish in NYC. This is a potential season saving game for both teams. I don’t buy that the Dolphins will come out flat because they blew a big lead to the Saints. They might be angry and Sanchez is a rookie. Too close to call, but should be a great one.

As always, the weekly lines I use are found here: www.footballlocks.com/nfl_lines.shtml

My picks are in bold italics below:

NFL Lines For Week 8 – 11/1 – 11/2, 2009

Monday Night Football Line

Bye Weeks: Cincinnati, KC, New England, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay, Washington

• January 1, 2010 -- Week 17 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (4)
• December 25, 2009 -- Week 16 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (1)
• December 20, 2009 -- Christmas Gifts for Athletes (3)
• December 12, 2009 -- Week 14 Picks And Analysis (1)
• December 5, 2009 -- NFL Week 13 Picks and Analysis (0)