MORE CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR ATHLETES

To A-Rod & Barry Bonds:

Two Hackey-Sacks tied together… Just so you can feel like what it means to own a pair, since yours have shrunk to the size of peas.

Your stones–that’s what it’s about guys. You’ve been given leeway and your way since the day you started remembering, and deep down, where no voice but yours can speak and no one hears, you shiver with fear, huh? Rejection, inadequacy… you know you’re a cheater… Fondle as needed.

To Serena Williams:

A Golden necklace… of two Hackey-Sacks tied together because the announcement that you’ve been chosen female athlete of the year proves the above point in a disturbing way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oud7E2tbKM&feature=related

Everybody, raise your glass… let’s sip an egg-nog and toast Serena’s efforts to control her ‘roid rage. My hero…

To the Lords of the BCS:

The Board game “Clue”, with the fervent prayer that someday you will get one.

We can all agree you people are selfish, do not care about student athletes because you exploit them, and are unbelievably greedy.

When will you get a clue that you can continue shamelessly using your high profile football programs and ripping off your star athletes even if you institute a 12-team play-off?

The top four teams get a bye. What if #12 LSU had to face #5 Florida (again); #11 Virginia Tech played #6 Boise St.; #10 Iowa squared off against #7 Oregon; and #9 Georgia Tech faced #8 Ohio St.? That slate of 4 games could be played on or just after Thanksgiving. After that first week of four games, eight teams would remain in the bracket.

The four highest-seeded survivors would play the four lowest beginning in the third week in December. The Final Four would square off over New Year’s, with the final taking center stage during the Saturday Night prior to Super Bowl Week.

Instead of 31 bowl games that mean nothing, you would have 12 that mean everything–and you could still have the nineteen or so “minor” bowl games nobody gives a crap about.

The polls and regular season would still be relevant because the top four seeds receive byes, and you would only add two weeks more to the season. Once cheesecake out-of-conference games are phased out, the season might only be a week longer.

It’s as easy to figure out as, “Ms. Peachtree did it in the bedroom with a vibrator.”

To Roger Goodell:

A helmet to protect yourself when the children of demented, depressed, or dead 50 year-old football players swing baseball bats at your head, to avenge corporate lying about the obvious effects of repeated concussions on the human brain.

Hopefully, you’ll receive the same compassion and loyalty the NFL shows its players.

To Bud Selig:

Absolutely nothing.

You have presided over and contributed to the demise of a beautiful sport I used to love.

To Gary Bettman:

Dude, your referees allow players to stop playing a game so they can knock each other’s teeth out.

I bet you have a bitchin’ TV contract.

What gift would you give to your favorite sports figure?

NFL WEEK 16 PICKS & ANALYSIS

I’ve been picking for a few years now and have never faced a week of incompetence like Week 15:

AFTER WEEK 14: 104 – 100 – 4

WEEK 15: 1-14-1

AFTER WEEK 15: 105 – 114 – 5

This was the first week of the season I lost two Trifecta picks. The Rams gave the Texans all they could handle and the Eagles soundly thrashed the 49ers.

I could try to suck worse and never succeed. I guess my only chance is to shoot for a season ending .500 mark and save face.

Those who know me know my face is hardly worth saving.

Yes, you may laugh, mock and ridicule at will.

WEEK 15 PICKS

Santa brings the Bolts to Nashville for a Christmas tilt against the rejuvenated Titans. The Chargers may finally be putting it together and, if they get by Jeff Fisher’s boys, they may turn into a team of destiny. We think they’ll leave Nashville winners by no more than one of Santa’s whiskers.

THE TRIFECTA

SUCKERS BET OF THE WEEK

No shock Carolina is the team to stay away from. How can an NFL team be awful one week then maul one of the league’s best the next?

LOCK OF THE WEEK

We’re thinking Chilly and Brett solve their power struggle, but I hope Favre throws three picks and Chilly sits his ass down. I want to see a grown man cry.

UPSET SPECIAL

Indianapolis won’t have their focus on this one. The Jets must have it. Look for a field goal to decide it either way–but New York will cover.

As always, the weekly lines I use are found here: www.footballlocks.com/nfl_lines.shtml

My picks are in bold italics below:

NFL Lines For Week 16 – NFL Line 12/25 – 12/28, 2009

Monday Night Football Line

• January 1, 2010 -- Week 17 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (4)
• December 20, 2009 -- Christmas Gifts for Athletes (3)
• December 12, 2009 -- Week 14 Picks And Analysis (1)
• December 5, 2009 -- NFL Week 13 Picks and Analysis (0)
• November 28, 2009 -- NFL Week 12 Picks and Analysis (0)