When Will Lance’s Other Shoe Drop?

I admit it: I’ve read every credible book on the JFK assassination but cannot get over the fact that the murder was never investigated by an objective, legitimate, entity.

I admit it: 9/11… Kind of fishy those squibs exploding as the towers implode. Several independent professionals explain most of that conspiracy theory away… Kind of…

I also admit to being a quasi-conspiracy theorist when it comes to sports.

I believe Bud Selig knew who baseball’s PED cheaters were and used them to insure his cronies made as much dinero as they could before the spitball hit the fan. The MLB honchos figured that their PR machine could bring back the fans and they wouldn’t lose much cash in the meantime. They didn’t get rich being stupid.

I believe 40-60% of NFL players have at one time used HGH and/or steroids–and have been juicing since junior high. I’ve seen parents who thought that their offspring had way more talent than God gave them push those kids to drugs, alcohol, PEDs, and suicide.

People will do just about anything to justify their delusions.

I am a skeptic and a cynic, and I make no apologies for it. So, forgive me in advance if I don’t for one Postal Service second believe Lance Armstrong is clean.

Allow me to guess at what a few of the e-mails some of you have already begun to write will say: Lance Armstrong has never been caught doing anything but winning Tours de France and almost every other bike race on the planet.

Lance Armstrong is a once-a-century athlete who has overcome testicular cancer. Lance Armstrong is as respected as any athlete in any sport. No one can point a credible finger at anything he’s done that proves he’s a juicer.

Blah, blah, blah.

In a different context, we can say all of the above about Barry Bonds, except for the cancer–although it’s a pretty safe bet Barry’s nuts have shrunk as much as his skull has ballooned.

Those are two of the side effects of steroid and HGH abuse.

Let me be clear: none of this commentary comes from me sitting on my high horse. But, I am in California and it’s legal for me, my horse, and Irene to be as high as we want.

The truth is, I’m not above cheating. When playing non-tournament golf by myself or with friends, I accept all gimmies. I’ve held the flagstick while tapping in. I’ve given myself the two-foot putt I angrily swipe off the lip of the cup after just having gagged mightily on an 18-incher.

I’ve fudged on my tax returns, cruised at 80 MPH on most of California’s highways, and if I found a bag of money on the road marked property of–insert corporation name here–I’d keep every dime.

The differences between me and the cheaters who take PEDs? I admit to my actions. My health is unaffected; I don’t hurt anyone… and almost every kid watches his or her parents similarly fudge the truth on a daily basis.

When I play a golf tournament, unless I have a really good day, I shoot close to my handicap. Given the countless ways our government screws us everyday–getting forty bucks more on my refund is my way of lighting up after its over. When I drive an interstate doing 80, I usually have to move over to let the fast cars zoom by.

Once I found a wallet, called its owner and returned it. There was money in it. I refused the reward.

So there!

Panties In The Glove Box

The recent spate of athletes’ PED cases follows a disturbing pattern.

• Unbelievable feats by elite athletes are lauded as historical achievements.

Look at the Bonds, Clemens, Sosa, and McGwire cases in baseball; track stars Marion Jones and Tim Montgomery; and many many others.

• Said athletes bask in the glory, relishing attention the media pumps into their swollen skulls–or is it egos?

See all of the above, plus NFLers Cushing and Merriman; Floyd Landis; etc.

• When athletes get caught they at first deny they knew what they were putting into their bodies.

In fact, every single individual who has ever been accused of using PEDs employs their version of the “panties in the glove box” defense, which amounts to deny, deny, deny until your last breath. Deny knowing anything. Deny any responsibility. Deny the legitimacy of the testing; blame your doctor, blame your agent, blame your ferret, and/or blame your mother if necessary.

Here’s the PITGB Defense in its literal form:

Imagine walking into the house after a quick bike ride to the store. Your wife stands in the doorway dangling a black thong between angry thumb and livid index finger.

The dialog goes something like this:

Gulp… “Honey, forgot to tell you I was at a red light last night when this young–old hag, ugly old hag–threw her panties into the car. I didn’t know what else to do but hide them in the glove box–to protect you, baby”

Gulp…

In a PED context, the patented response morphs from denial into manipulation when the PITGB defense is exposed as a lie and the offender can no longer deny.

• The cheater offers a usually tearful admission at a controlled press conference, a not too subtle beginning to remake the offender’s image. (See Mark McGwire.)
• A couple weeks or months after the presser an ESPN “report” or an appearance on Oprah chronicles the refurbished athlete’s heart-felt, hackneyed clap-trap promising a renewed commitment to integrity–neatly filmed in front of adoring third-graders.

It works, too. The only thing Americans love more than condemning a celebrity is forgiving one.

The Price of Infamy

The NFL’s Kevin and Pat Williams have reached folk-hero status because they “fought the system”. Bryan Cushing was re-elected as NFL Rookie of the Year after he was caught cheating. Mark McGwire has been welcomed back into the Cardinal’s nest.

In America, elite athletes, like the corporations that sponsor them, seldom pay consequences that equal the sleaze factor of their actions. (Big Ben, the most notable exception.)

Is it so hard to imagine Lance Armstrong being given the most advanced, promising cancer treatments? Is it so hard to imagine the CEO of Lance’s pharmaceutical company offering the great cyclist experimental regimens that can mask PED use in exchange for a few TV ads?

I know, I know–that’s way too crazy even for dedicated conspiracy theorists.

One irony in all the PED abuse that we see from athletes should not remain unspoken: there are legitimate, effective, healing properties of steroids and HGH. In a controlled utilization, many banned substances can enhance the body’s ability to recover from even devastating injuries. The endless parade of abusers will ultimately make the sensible use of these drugs an impossible option for injured players.

It’s the Wide, Wide Bizarro World of Sports, folks

The NFL, the American media and their audiences pillory Ben Roethlisberger more for getting a Lewinsky in a night club bathroom than a 22-year-old rookie who gets caught cheating by taking illegal drugs. Because Pete Rose bet on his own team to win, he is banned for life from baseball, while a pumpkin-headed Barry Bonds enjoys the title as the game’s home-run king.

I admire Lance Armstrong and the inspiration he offers to cancer victims across the world. I respect his athletic achievements. Maybe events and time will prove that the seven-time Tour de France winner has a right to indignantly dismiss those who call him a cheater.

And maybe I shouldn’t feel so guilty when I give myself a two-foot putt.

• March 18, 2009 -- Let It Go, Already! (8)
• July 8, 2009 -- Lance Armstrong: Athlete of the Decade (3)
• July 19, 2009 -- A-Roid Strikes Again (3)
• February 11, 2009 -- The Greatest Athlete (12)
• May 12, 2010 -- Steroids and PEDs in Sports (8)

Okay, such a claim would only happen with another Tour de France win for the 7-time winner. What makes this particular run so very compelling is Armstrong is making it under the microscope of today’s anti-doping rules that have tossed out previous winners (come on down, Floyd Landis). While the specter of doping has dogged Armstrong since his first win in 1999, no formal accusation or positive test has ever occurred. You can bet Tour organizers are determined to protect the integrity of their event by all means possible. Lance is under impossibly close scrutiny.

For Lance Armstrong even to make another run at the Tour is amazing in many ways. After an unprecedented seven straight titles on the Tour (1999 – 2005), success as the Founder and Chairman of a globally recognized cancer survivor foundation (LiveStrong.Org), and the profile and credentials to remain a bankable and marketable commodity, he’s probably not doing it for the money. That makes it all the more incredible. It’s more than Lemieux putting on the blades one more time, or Jordan lacing up the sneakers, or Montana putting on a helmet. The Tour is, as The New York Times once described it, the most physiologically demanding of athletic events… the equivalent of running a marathon several days a week for 3 weeks – with elevation climbs comparable to climbing 3 Everests.

Here’s the kicker (at least at the time this is being written)… after Stage 5 of the Tour, Armstrong is only one second behind the leader. With plenty of race left, including the mountains where Armstrong has historically separated himself from the rest the pack, it may not be early to say that he is on pace for #8. Remember, this is under the intensive scrutiny of race organizers, some of whom would love to catch Armstrong with a banned substance. And, so far, he’s clean. As long as he stays that way and his dash through mountains is at all like his previous seven, it is likely he could win again. If that should happen, it’s clear that Armstrong might be The Preeminent Athlete of the Decade.

Few athletes are capable of completely dominating a sport, taking a short layoff, and then returning and dominating it once more. Ted Williams was the best hitter of his era before he left for military service. After he returned, he continued to be the best hitter in baseball. Mario Lemieux still had some youth and gas in the tank to return from lymphoma and be a dominant force, if only for a few seasons. Jack Nicklaus defied age to win majors over several decades. But no football players have ever retired on top and then come back to be dominant (leave Brett Favre out of this, he never really ‘retires’). As for basketball, Michael Jordan tried but was merely good in a Wizards uniform, not his former ‘great’ self, and certainly not dominant.

Lance Armstrong is in very good position to win his 8th Tour de France in 10 years. If he pulls it off, he’ll have my vote for Athlete of the Decade.

• March 18, 2009 -- Let It Go, Already! (8)
• May 28, 2010 -- Lance Armstrong Performance-Enhancing Drugs (0)
• February 11, 2009 -- The Greatest Athlete (12)

France just won’t accept that Lance Armstrong has not used performance-enhancing drugs.

Armstrong has never tested positive.  Ever.  Not during his run of Tour de France victories, not now.

Lance Armstrong (© Eugene Wei, Flickr)

With advances in drug technology, there of course can be no guarantee he hasn’t taken performance-enhancers, but the single-minded doggedness with which French anti-doping agency AFLD has been pursuing Armstrong reeks of a malicious personal vendetta.

Since Armstrong announced he would ride again, AFLD has tested him 24 times. 24 times!  Enough already!  I don’t have numbers on how many times AFLD has tested the other contenders, but I’d place good money it’s a fraction of 24 times.  If every cyclist is so targeted, so be it, but I doubt that’s the case.

The latest?  A test of a hair sample, a test allowed by French law but not recognized by the World Anti-Doping agency or UCI (the governing body of cycling) because of how easily hair can be contaminated.

To be fair, the hair test is for a testosterone-booster called DHEA, which usually disappears from urine and blood too quickly to be noticed by tests of those substances.  DHEA’s trace lasts longer in hair.

But 24 tests in half a year?  Hey, France, endless testing does not a positive make if the man is not doping.  AFLD, your intent is transparent, your goals shameless.

• May 28, 2010 -- Lance Armstrong Performance-Enhancing Drugs (0)
• July 8, 2009 -- Lance Armstrong: Athlete of the Decade (3)
• May 12, 2010 -- Steroids and PEDs in Sports (8)
• January 20, 2010 -- Mark McGwire’s Steroid Admission – MLB Baseball (0)
• August 5, 2009 -- Release the List! (4)