DIS WEEKLY TIGER TAKE

Welcome to our weekly–until Tiger has the guts to face the music and return to golf–commentary on the plight of the most talked about Tiger in human history. We will explore the legendary (infamous?) golfer’s recent “situation” from various perspectives and try to help Tiger Woods get back to chasing Jack Nicklaus for the title of “Greatest Ever.”

Our still lively debate on who is most deserving of that accolade can be found on this site at: http://www.deepintosports.com/2009/04/08/tiger-woods-jack-nicklaus-best-golfer-ever/

This week, we critique Tiger’s damage control team and offer some helpful, and free, advice to the beleaguered winner of 14 majors…

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Obviously, Tiger seriously overpays his people. Could his recent fall from common sense have been managed with any more incompetence?

I wish I was the genius who convinced the elite and ultra-rich they must hire damage control demons and wizards after making terrible and very public mistakes.

We are talking seven figures, folks; professional help doesn’t come cheap–even when a kind assessment would conclude those services has transformed a delicate and volatile situation into an unmitigated disaster.

Imagine if you were Jeff Twelve-Pack and the feces hit the fan like it did for Tiger. Your wife, who gave you two children and still looks great, just found out you’re an otter hound who has had over a dozen affairs with what can fairly be described as skanks.

Who would you call?

May I suggest my cousin Butchie, the lawyer?

Don’t laugh. Butchie might have received his JD from Party Town State, but he’s probably intelligent enough to advise you to get the public show out of the way.

Here’s what Butchie would have told Tiger:

“Look Cuz, take responsibility for, say, “numerous” indiscretions and stay in control of the story. We’ll make a bimbos list and call each mistress to see if we can persuade them to not go public. Answer all media’s questions at what appears to be an impromptu and uncontrolled press conference. End that presser with a firm statement insisting further comments on your personal life will not be forthcoming by you or any member of your family.”

“The worse thing you could do is skulk away like some little bitch and squander a few million bucks to get some kind of snake-oil therapy for an affliction psychologists invented to convince filthy-rich smack-offs they can be cured of bad choices.”

“If you ‘nad up and take about a weeks worth of media shrapnel, you can better spend time trying to save your marriage.”

“‘Nother thing, DON’T WHINE like some prepubescent pussy about the paparazzi. They don’t care about you, your family, or your feelings. They care about the story or photo that can net them six-figures from a tabloid–they want to be rich just like you. Besides, you’ll only make them mad, and believe me, you’ll like them even less when they’re mad.”

“Everyone out there knows what you and those women were after. You’re sick rich. Hot ‘tang spreads for you faster than the Red Sea parted for Charlton Heston.”

“Americans love to forgive heroes who lie, cheat, and steal–makes it easier to forgive themselves.”

I bet, in fact I know, Butchie would have given that advice for a couple new sets of clubs, a lifetime supply of Pro V1s, and two memberships to Riviera.

Tiger should have called me.

NEXT WEEK: What has Tiger reaped from the seeds he has sown? What’s missing?

• February 26, 2010 -- Tiger Woods Hate Mail – PGA Golf (0)
• August 11, 2009 -- Tiger Woods Infographic (4)
• March 31, 2009 -- Tiger Not Out of the Woods Yet (3)
• April 14, 2010 -- Tiger Woods Masters 2010 – PGA Golf (7)
• December 9, 2009 -- Tiger And His Tail (7)