You haven’t read a book in the last fifteen years. There is nothing on television, but a reality series set in a convent.

Your only escape is the UFL. I know what you’re thinking: “WTF is the UFL? Like the UFC?” No, but you would think the marketing gurus for the United Football League could come up with a unique acronym unto itself like the AFA for American Football Association.

The DIS Special Examination Division or DISSED—-now that’s an acronym—-has been assigned to write a four part series on the fledgling league. The first part can be found here: http://www.deepintosports.com/2009/07/25/ufl-united-football-league-nfl-competition-success-problems/

The second here: http://www.deepintosports.com/2009/08/03/ufl-united-football-league-nfl-minor-league-failure/

In the first two installments, we refer to the NFL as a monopoly.

Full disclosure: as a Steeler fan, I love the NFL. I pay DirectTV $160.00/yr for the privilege of being able to watch any game I want. It was either that or go to the local sports bar, spend three times the dinero and force myself to fend off nubile young women who find me irresistible. (Somehow, my wife doesn’t buy the last half of that equation. She’s so negative.)

We’ve already established many of the UFL executive brain trust and coaches were former NFL employees. We wondered out loud if the NFL is really behind the UFL.

We’ve alluded to how strange and even self-defeating it appears to be for any fledgling football league to pit itself against the behemoth that is the NFL and play games in the fall.

Could it be when we mentioned this possible collusion, we weren’t joking?

We weren’t joking.

The NFL bristles at the terms “monopoly” or “collusion” because those words, if describing the situation accurately, piss off people in Congress. In fact, the NFL will go to any length to convince the American public it is not a monopoly.

Let’s look at some numbers. These are approximate values culled from various sites. However, beyond the published amounts networks pay for the rights to broadcast NFL Games available on several websites, other numbers are difficult to pin down.

First, any NFL owner who cries poverty is a liar. The league has 32 teams worth over 20 billion dollars. Each team receives $700 million as its equal share of television money. Teams don’t share concession, parking, local merchandising, or sponsors.

Perspective? It costs about 2 cents to scrape the packing plant floor and mash up the guts, gristle and bone that comprise one good ol’ American hot dog, another 5 cents to package and ship it, and another 5 pennies to pay the folks who serve it. The regular version sells for $4.00-$5.00 at an NFL game. The premium version, with more food coloring and a pinch of real meat, costs $7.00.

Parking: $25.00-$40.00 per game.

Unofficial game jersey: $50.00.

Stadium naming rights: $5-$20 million/year.

Fast fact: Jerry Jones paid $140 million for the Cowboys in 1989. Estimates place the team’s current value at between 1.1 and 1.5 billion dollars.

Amazing fact: One study of ownership economics—-paid for by the NFLPA–found that team values had nearly quadrupled since 1998. (http://www.castonline.ilstu.edu/mcevoy/NFLstadia.pdf)

Do your own math. The numbers really are that staggering.

The UFL was designed to take advantage at what promises to be a contentious battle for pieces of that gargantuan money meringue pie when the NFL negotiates a new collective bargaining agreement with the players in 2010.

My theory: the UFL is a product of the NFL brain trust ostensibly designed to be a feeder system for the NFL.

And that’s not the only reason for the UFL. The impending NFL labor talks MUST produce an agreement that will address legitimate player rights to a sizable slab of the pie and the owners need to maintain a salary cap and revenue sharing.

The only way for that to happen is for rookie salaries to be strictly capped, leaving the whipped cream and fruit for players who have played 4-5 years or longer. Knowing how lawyers think, such an action will engender a lawsuit from college players for denying young men equal opportunity in employment. The UFL’s existence will be used by the NFL to forestall or mitigate that legal conflict.

Believe me, enough Congress people attend enough games to provide the NFL all the legal cover it needs.

Two weeks ago, we launched our Top Nine List of ideas the UFL must implement to be a success. Here, now, the top three…

3.) Clarify some announcer clichés so we can delude ourselves into thinking they make sense. For, example, “He loves the game.” Before each game, a player will be randomly selected to recite a verbal essay or poem on why he loves the game. To spice it up, the selected player must wear a costume designed by a woman, or other innocent victims he may have screwed over. If the UFL plays it right we might get to see Adam “Pac Man” Jones recite in a thong leaning on a strippers pole—-or maybe Michael Vick in a dog collar and heels. How ‘bout Big Ben inside a TV console with an “Out of Order sign. We could even have the guys speak in Olde English. “Cometh to my room, oh innocent money grubbing harlot as my knobs needeth tweaking and my channels surfethed.”

Even if the football sucks, Thursday nights would be interesting.

2.) Random yard-lines will conceal sheets of 3/4-inch plywood covered with brick wallpaper. These sheets of wood will be fitted into a hydraulic propulsion device and be programmed by in-stadium league officials to instantaneously bolt upright out of the turf during choice moments of game action.

This will starkly define the exact meaning of the much-overused phrase “He ran into a brick wall.” (For safety’s sake, players will be outfitted with special athletic supporters in case the edge of the plywood catches them between the wishbones.)

1.) Instead of yardage penalties players will wear shock collars and be zapped for annoying and inexcusable five-yard infractions. For ten or fifteen-yard violations, players will be TASERED. For major infractions like pass interference, players will have the choice of shooting themselves in the leg or enduring sleep deprivation while watching a loop of Terrel Owens doing sit-ups in his driveway.

TEAM PROFILE

Still, no names from UFL headquarters. Here’s our pick for the name of the Sunshine State’s UFL franchise…

The ORLANDO GASMS

The Or-Gasms or Oh, Oh, O-Gasms for short.

T-Shirt sales will skyrocket. “Love dem Or-Gasms!”

Team Logo – A vibrating dildo and two words: “Don’t Stop!”

First Alternate – The ORLANDO LAKES

Might be copyright issues for the UFL to hurdle, but not if they acquire the rights-—ala the Steelers & U.S. Steel-—to the corporate trade mark of the butter conglomerate headquartered in Wisconsin.

My Personal Favorite – The ORLANDO CALRISSIANS

The cheerleaders could dress as slutty versions of Princess Lea.

Head Coach – Jim Haslett – Had a couple decent defenses in Pittsburgh; took New Orleans to the play-offs and kept them together during the Katrina debacle. They must be paying him a shitload of money.

What other names would you like for the Florida franchise of the UFL. Any ideas on what else the league can do to get people to watch?

Is the UFL an NFL creation?

NEXT WEEK

We’ll explore the issue further and discuss the role of colleges and other salient reasons the UFL was created—and try to tie everything together…

• August 19, 2009 -- The UFL Part IV: Who Are You Trying To Fool? (12)
• August 3, 2009 -- The UFL Part II: Not Your Daddy’s Football (25)
• July 25, 2009 -- The UFL: Déjà Vu All Over Again–Once More… (5)
• September 28, 2009 -- The United Football League: Quality is Key (6)
• May 17, 2009 -- Michael Vick: Dogged By Stupidity… And Questions… (18)