2015 NFL Season Week 11 – FootballSunday, November 22, 2015 9:00
NFL Week 11 picks and analysis.
WEEK ELEVEN SUNDAY
Has Jerry Jones gone mad?
It’s at least a half serious question
I’ll let the man’s words speak for themselves…
Let’s start out with his opinion of Brandon Weeden’s talent as a quarterback—a guy the Cleveland Browns let go after two Ryan Leaf-like seasons:
“This quarterback Weeden can drive the ball down field,” Jones said. “He’s a thing of beauty on throwing a football. His passing motion and his arm, frankly, you won’t see a more gifted passer, power, accuracy, the entire aspect of it.
After hearing that unbelievably insane analysis, it dawned on me; Dallas’ biggest need might not be a good back-up quarterback or a lucid owner. Nope, what Jerrah needs is someone to translate his vodka soaked, Southern drawled ditties into honest, uncompromising commentary.
“Ooh! Ooh!!! Me! Me! Me!”
Okay Gairzo, have at it…
Let’s re-read Jones’ Weeden comment, shall we:
“This quarterback Weeden can drive the ball down field,” Jones said. “He’s a thing of beauty on throwing a football. His passing motion and his arm, frankly, you won’t see a more gifted passer, power, accuracy, the entire aspect of it…”
“This quarterback Weeden can drive the ball down field—in a Dodge Charger, a Prius, even on a Harley—just not during, you know, an actual football game… His passing motion and his arm, frankly, you won’t see a more gifted passer, power, accuracy, the entire aspect of it…Of course, he reads defenses as well as Stevie Wonder reads a stop sign, but I had to do something to appease our delusional fans into thinking we have a shot at the playoffs. How ‘bout them Cowboys!!!?”
Reasonable people can interpret Jerry’s Weeden commentary as a biased owner simply seeing the glass half full. Of course, in Jones’ case, the glass is half full of Texas sized bullshit.
Here’s Jerrrah on Greg Hardy, after these explicit photos of his bruised girlfriend were released:
“We have given Greg a second chance. He is a member of our team and someone who is grateful for the opportunity he has been given to move forward with his life and his career.”
So after a judge found Hardy guilty, after he convinced his victim/girlfriend not to show at trial, he gets a second chance?…To do what, exactly?
Here’s our translation:
Look, he paid the skank off, his record is expunged and we really need help on the defensive line…If this move pays off, we make the post-season for sure…How ‘bout them Cowboys!!!
Hardy repays Jones public support by being late to practice and assaulting a special teams coach after a Giants’ KO return for a touchdown —and, getting into a “dust up” with teammate Dez Bryant…
Here’s Jones on that incident:
“He’s, of course, one of the real leaders on this team and he earns it and he earns it with respect from all of his teammates and that’s the kind of thing that inspires a football team…”
He is, of course a colossal asshole, an abusive socio-path, and a genuine thuggish turd of a human being and, God knows, he’s earned the derision of anyone with a double digit IQ, and having him around, now that’s the kind of thing that destroys a football team—but he did have a sack! And if it wasn’t for that special teams blunder, we would have won that god damned game!…How ‘bout them Cowboys!!!
I’ve written it before: As a die-hard Steelers fan, I pray Jerry Jones lives until he is 105 years old with the same delusional mindset that has run “America’s Team” into America’s Dumpster…
I fervently hope none of Jones’ nosy relatives or uppity children seek to answer the question asked at the beginning of this post. The answer to that question would only result in a lengthy, messy courtroom drama and ultimately end up with Mr. Jones swaddled in a straight-jacket blabbering on about the Cowboys paltry two playoff wins in the last 20 years—and failing to advance beyond the Wildcard round. Such an outcome would only hasten the Cowboys’ return to respectability.
I’m not sure those blessed enough not to be Cowboys fans, are looking forward to that reality.
Rest assured, until Jerrah’s madness ends, I’ll be here to put his commentary into perspective and smile, ironically and sadly at the never-ending question:
“How ‘bout them Cowboys?”
AFTER WEEK TEN
WEEKLY TALLY: 6 – 8 SPECIALS 2 – 1 – 1 O/U 0 – 4 – 1
OVERALL: 64 – 77 – 5 SPECIALS 20 – 17 – 3 O/U 32 – 25 – 1
GW 2 – 6 – 2
LW 6 – 4 – 0
US 5 – 4 – 1
O/U 6 – 3 – 1
WEEK TEN PICKS
Our saving grace in 2015 has been our respectable performance on our Specials and, even better numbers in the Over/Under tally–until we “O-fered” last week.
O/U OF THE WEEK 6 – 3 – 0
Green Bay Packers (6-3) @ Minnesota Vikings (7-5) -1 42 [O]
This one is a pure hunch pick as most of the punditocracy is predicting a low scoring affair with the Adrian Petersen led Vikings milking the clock and the young, hungry, Mike Zimmer designed defense stifling Aaron Rodgers.
I just don’t see these Packers—warts and all—giving up the NFC North so easily by losing their fourth game in a row. This is a fierce division game; the winner won’t walk away with more than a 3-point victory.
The Vikings with the efficient, cautious Teddy Bridgewater should be able to exploit a Packer defense that too often can’t get off the field often enough to let Rodgers do his thing.
Bottom line, it’s a field goal game. The Norsemen play the same style of defense the Panthers did in a Week Nine 37-29 win over the Pack—a game where Rodgers found a way to get things done, but the Meatsters defense couldn’t stop Cam Newton when it mattered.
I’m looking for the Pack to key on AP and dare Bridgewater to beat them. Rodgers tosses a 320 burger on the Minny defense and the Packers keep themselves in the division race—Over the Number…
Packer 30 Vikings 27
LOCK OF THE WEEK 6 – 3 – 0
Buffalo Bills (5-4) @ New England Patriots (9-0) -7 48.5 [O]
You guys know Bill Belichick wouldn’t sniff the Hall of Fame if it were my call, but we all know it isn’t my call and the Dark Lord of the Gridiron will have his day in Canton.
Even with my well-documented reservations, BB does deserve heavy HOF consideration just for the way he has burrowed into Rex Ryan’s psyche, the way those creepy maggots infiltrated the brains of two Enterprise crew members in the Wrath of Khan.
Belichick and his boys can give us that “just another game” schpiel all they want, but you gotta figure the NFL’s version of Khan in a hoodie has to love how Rex Ryan talks about the New England, especially when he vehemently denies being obsessed with the Pats –then blames the Boston media for his obsession.
Psychoanalysts take notes when Ryan—a head football coach supposedly, a leader of men, let’s sludge like this ooze from his mouth:
“Right now we’re second in the division…We’re gonna do whatever we can. Does that give us the opportunity to win the division? No. They’re gonna win the division. I don’t see them losing four games. I hope I’m wrong, but I don’t see it happening.”
That comment came after Julian Edelmen went on IR.
Really, join me in my condemnation of Khan Belichick, if you want, but if the Pats were 5-4—no, make that 1-8—and the Bills led the AFC East at 9-0, Belichick wouldn’t give the press, Bills fans, or his galaxy of haters the satisfaction of admitting his mathematically eliminated club wouldn’t win the division.
Could even the most free-thinking football fan imagine those words coming from Vince Lombardi or Chuck Noll?
Thankfully, it’s much easier to imagine Rex Ryan, late Monday Night doing his best Captain Kirk impression:
Take the Pats in a blowout—way Over the Total.
Patriots 36 Bills 23
GAME OF THE WEEK 1 – 6 – 2
Cincinnati Bengals (8-1) @ Arizona Cardinals (7-2) -5 45 [U]
This contest got flexed to prime-time a couple weeks back and features the Cardinals on NBC’s SNF two weeks running. They deserve the recognition as the only team who could make Super Bowl L interesting against the Patriots—because they’re, you know, gonna win the AFC…
Carson Palmer has been waiting for this day since his acrimonious divorce from Bengal’s owner, Mike Brown, in 2010.
My reading of that split-up was Brown scape-goated Palmer for the Bengals’ inept drafting and reluctance to spend money when it was necessary.
Palmer has consistently shown he is elite QB material with a competent offensive line—imagine how great he’d look with the Bengals’ star WR, A.J. Green in Cardinal red.
Meanwhile, in the Queen City, Bengals quarterback, Scott Farkus cried like a baby when J.J. Watt said his goal was to “turn the “Red Rifle” into a Red Ryder BB Gun.”
A couple weeks back, I compared Andy Dalton to the character Dalton in Roadhouse.
I owe the late Patrick Swayze an apology.
If the Bengals’ Dalton keeps whining like this I may have to apologize to the actor who played Scott F#%king Farkus. Here’s Dalton on Watts’ comment:
“I’m disappointed in him…The integrity of this game — I have a lot of respect for him. He’s a really good player. There’s a lot of kids and a lot of people who look up to him. For him to make comments like that, he’s showing that’s acceptable to do that kind of stuff, to say that kind of stuff. It’s disappointing for one of the best players in this league to come out and say something like that. That’s all I’m going to say about that. I think J.J. is a good player, but for him to be one of the best in this league and to show that integrity, and to show that type of … it shows what he’s about, which is disappointing.”
What more proof could we have that the pussification of America has taken our male population by the throat and is choking the testosterone out of the chicken?
A real American man would have said,
“Hey, when you lead your undefeated team into your own Jungle and are held to six points by an opponent riddled with injuries and challenged at quarterback, you deserve to be the butt of ginger jokes…We’ll learn from it and move on.”
Do I have to write this stuff for everyone? Geez!
Take the home team Red Birds for the blanket, a shade Under the Number.
Cards 27 Bengals 16
UPSET SPECIAL: 3 – 3 – 1
Seattle Seahawks (4-5) @ San Francisco 49ers (3-6) +12.5 40.5 [U]
No mystery here, guys…This late in the season, I’ll take 12.5 points and any dog even at Century Link Field with the 12th man lurking.
If I’m Jim Tomsula, I put the betting line and selected negative quotes up all over the locker room with the following caption in bold:
Read this: It means this league and football fans all over this country are laughing at you?
We think the Niners have enough pride to cover the Chalk Under the Total.
Seahawks 23 Niners 14
As usual, all my picks are below in bold italics:
NFL Lines For Week 11 – 11/22 – 11/23 2015
|Date & Time||Favorite||Line||Underdog||Total|
|11/22 1:00 ET||At Carolina||-7||Washington||45.5|
|11/22 1:00 ET||Oakland||-1||At Detroit||49|
|11/22 1:00 ET||At Miami||PK||Dallas||47.5|
|11/22 1:00 ET||At Atlanta||-5.5||Indianapolis||47.5|
|11/22 1:00 ET||At Baltimore||-2.5||St. Louis||41|
|11/22 1:00 ET||NY Jets||-3||At Houston||41|
|11/22 4:25 ET||At Minnesota O/U||-1||Green Bay||44.5|
|11/22 1:00 ET||At Philadelphia||-5.5||Tampa Bay||45|
|11/22 1:00 ET||Denver||-1||At Chicago||41|
|11/22 8:30 ET||At Arizona GW||-5 [U]||Cincinnati||48|
|11/22 4:25 ET||At Seattle US [O]||-12.5||San Francisco||40.5|
|11/22 4:05 ET||Kansas City||-3||At San Diego||44.5|
|11/22 1:00 ET||At Jacksonville [U]||-3||Tennessee||43.5|
Monday Night Football Line
|11/23 8:30 ET||At N. England LW||-7 [O]||Buffalo||48.5|
Bye Weeks: Cleveland, New Orleans, NY Giants, Pittsburgh
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