Leveon Bell & LeGarrete Blount Pot Bust – NFL FootballThursday, August 28, 2014 10:26
Pittsburgh Steelers’ Leveon Bell and LeGarrete Blount’s pot bust points to a growing need amongst the sports leagues.
BUSTED IN THE ‘BURGH
Last week, Pittsburgh Steelers Leveon Bell and LeGarrete Blount got le-friggin’ busted in broad daylight smoking marijuana en route to catch a team plane. If you want to read all the immediately cliché-able jokes referencing Cheech and Chong or want to see some preachy commentary from uppity Steelers fans who have forgotten the joy rides they took in their mid-twenties, here are some links:
For all non-members of Steeler Nation, pay special attention to how some self-righteous fanatics find a not so subtle way to blame Mike Tomlin, and, of course, the same old tirades from perfect Pittsburghers who have never done wrong—ever.
In a future post, we will address the problem all sports leagues have when it comes to Mary Jane: Players in states where it is legal fire up a doobie enjoy an advantage over players in jurisdictions where pot is illegal.
We expect all states to eventually legalize the stuff and end that little problem.
THE BIGGER PROBLEM
Like many of our columns, this one will again marvel at the sheer limitlessness of human stupidity. Here are a couple choice quotes Leveon Bell gave to the police after he, LeGarrete Blount and a female passenger admitted they all “pitched in to buy” a fifty dollar bag of dope:
“I didn’t know that you could get a DUI for being high. I smoked two hours ago,” Mr. Bell said, according to the complaint. “I am not high anymore. I am perfectly fine. Why would I be getting high if I had to get on a plane to make it to my game?”
Besides all the time worn whining about letting the team and fans down–albeit well deserved—Bell’s and Blount’s impending first ballot induction into the Idiots Hall of Fame is far more troublesome.
But, it’s not just these two Steelers or pro athletes in general.
You mean to tell me Players’ Unions don’t conduct seminars on interaction with law enforcement?
Rule. Number. One. When answering ANY question posed to you by the cops, the answer is, (after handing a business card to the officer), “My lawyer will answer any questions you might have, sir.” After that, your time to talk is over. Obey the officer and shut the hell up.
Money isn’t the problem. The players, unions, owners and sports leagues are drowning in money. You’d think if sick rich athletes wanted to dabble in some chronic to relieve pain and stress, their owners would make it mandatory they hire a limo and enjoy the privacy of blacked out windows and tons of leg room.
You’d think they would know a driver who would take the hit, (pun intended), and say he provided the marijuana.
Obviously, everyone involved is too stupid to think so rationally.
Limo services are a mainstream business in much of urban America, but they tend to be expensive and the companies usually don’t care about the behavior, or the immediate fate of their passengers. Essentially, we propose making “Transportation Services” another operational facet of every sports team in the country.
Athletes and owners should invest in a fleet of cool vehicles and create a limo service designed specifically to address the special needs of many modern-day athletes, especially the stupid ones. This team-centric car service would be available in every major American city.
Since team employees run the service, there is no charge, no tipping, and no waiting. Any money owners and players pay to fund the enterprise, would be collectively bargained.
During “down” periods when teams are out of town, celebrities, or other stinking rich people could be afforded the same worry free transportation—at a very steep price. If run right, owners would, at least break even.
In effect, sports teams–knowing marijuana is the pain reliever of choice in American athletics–would have their own “in-house” service and be able to control their players’ exposure to legal jeopardy.
Call it Wheel Power… “What happens when you ride, stays inside…”
Wanna get high on the way to your next opponents city?
Call Wheel Power!
Looking to impress the new hot chick after your company goes public?
Call Wheel Power!
Are you a rapper with a rowdy entourage?
Call Wheel Power!
Wheel Power cars would be equipped with “Weed Whackers”— replete with special openings in the floor that grind contraband to powder then disperse incriminating evidence under the moving vehicle. State-of-the-art ventilation systems would enable each vehicle to exchange interior air within 30 seconds—you know for the heavy smoking Snoop Dog like clients.
Operated by team employees who are contractually responsible for any misdemeanor behavior in a vehicle, all drivers would sport a “Cop-Stopper” panic button. When they see police car lights in their mirrors, drivers press their “Cop Stopper” and two events occur simultaneously:
- A fifteen second recording reminds riders to deposit all incriminating evidence into the already deployed and ready “Weed Whacker” grinder and dispersal system—the driver, having the bulk of the stuff up front, will have already engaged his WW. The recording ends by urging riders to “answer no questions and to give officers the business cards found in the back seat door pockets.”
- The nearest team lawyers receive immediate GPS notification of the stop and high tail it to the scene.
How do owners overcome the obstacle that prevents clueless, self-centered, and spoiled grown men, who believe they are above the law, from calling a taxi or limo?
The same way you get children to do stuff they don’t want to do—make it a game. Professional athletes, immersed in social media want to be the best; they want to be part of any phenomena that enhances their individual brand.
The leagues’ crack marketing departments wouldn’t have to work hard to make using a team-owned car service the cool thing to do. If an entire nation of athletes and celebrities can be manipulated into dumping ice water on their heads to fund ALS research then I’m sure devising a way to make riding in an awesome stretch limo won’t be difficult.
How about funding cancer treatments for kids?
Teams and players could contribute to an initial amount into the “Midnight Riders Fund.” Wheel Power, the leagues, and Unions would set aside 20% to the charity for every ride taken before midnight, 25% after midnight.
The commercial copy writes itself
“Hi, this is Leveon Bell of the Pittsburgh Steelers, I’m on my way to catch the team plane before we play the Ravens, and I’m not about to do that without a blunt–
–And I’m LeGarrete Blount and I don’t do anything without getting blitzed…
Cool thing is, every time we take one of these team limos, a lot of kids get closer to beating cancer.
(Pulls out a lighter and a joint. They disappear into the limo. Window glides down…Coughing heard in background…Both smiln’ faces fill the window space:
“Take the challenge…Do what smart people do…Get drunk, get high—just don’t be a punk and get a DUI…”
Wheel Power…Find your high way…
Of course, this brilliant solution might anger cops who would never again be able to enjoy busting a celebrity.
Wheel Power would establish relationships with law enforcement agencies at every level. Drivers would have the option of offering frustrated cops or their favorite charities, tickets or related perks.
To avoid bribery charges, the perks, of course, could only be offered once the cops face turns red upon realizing he can’t take somebody important to jail.
Once law enforcement, athletes, movie stars, and rappers know the deal, everybody would end up happy.
The cop walks away with primo seats or autographed memorabilia, the athletes/celebs ride away and probably continue relieving their pain, and a worthy charity enjoys a steady revenue stream, Wheel Power, i.e. the local sports teams, makes big bucks—and fans never again have to worry about star players facing suspensions.
Future collective bargaining agreements could stipulate any athlete who does not use the service and gets busted for DUI or possession is automatically subject to a 10% decrease in pay for the remainder of their contract, with all monies going to the selected charity.
I hope Roger Goodell reads this post and hires me to implement the Wheel Power program. It would be the smartest thing he ever did…
Talk about damning with faint praise.
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