Fifth Anniversary of The 2011 All-Time, All-Universe Draft, Part 3Sunday, May 11, 2014 16:42
Coming up to the podium, with the first pick of the 2011 version of the All-Time, All-Universe Draft…Chuck Pagano…
24.) With the 24th overall selection, the Indianapolis Colts select, from Wilbur University, fullback, MISTER ED.
The Colts’ fan contingent doesn’t seem too happy, Ozzie.
–Why should they be? Flicka, Seabiscuit, then I’m on board. This guy ran a 4.5 forty, Chester!
–C’mon, that’s pretty good –
–FOUR HOURS AND FIVE MINUTES!!!
He’s slow, really messes up the field and his mouth constantly gets him into trouble.
Hold on, OZ, have you ever talked to the kid?
Well no, Chet—
–In fact, has anyone ever heard a peep out of him?
Only his owner—
Then blame him for those rumors—and don’t be an “equinist.”
I only know what I see on television…Let’s get to the next pick…
25.) The Tennessee Titans use Pick #25 to select the quarterback out of University of Mount Olympus, Zeus…
Talk ’bout keeping your friends close and enemies closer, Oz.
True, Chet, the Titans have not had the best luck with Olympians in the past. That having been said, you can’t fault the pick. Zeus has a lightning bolt of an arm…
… bet the Bolts are angry the missed out on adding that to the arsenal.
He’s a god amongst men, Chet.
The only potential downside I see are the penalties. He’s the only quarterback I’ve ever seen have interference called against him!
Chargers are on the clock, still pissed the Titans snatched Zeus on the last pick.
Bolts should’ve known, you gotta trade up to get a God—can’t count on them fallin’ to you.
26.) The San Diego Chargers, with the 26th pick in the ATAU draft select, from Mt. Ranier University – SASQUATCH!
Can’t believe this guy was still on the board Ozzie!
Not hard to figure Chester. He didn’t show at the combine and their really isn‘t too much film on the guy, hardly any as a matter of fact. Scouts can’t get him to show up for a look see.
C’mon people can’t stop talking about him, he has to be for real.
No doubt. Guys a huge hitter and we know from the few minutes of film we do have, he doesn’t like to be laughed at.
The Monsters and Fiends Conference (MFC) for some reason produces the most eccentric players for the All -Time team. These guys—Cyclops, Sasquatch, The Boogie Man—they just don’t a show up on a consistent basis –
–Risk/reward dynamic OZ, these guys’ upsides are tremendous, question is will they maximize their potential and show up every day.
History says they too often don’t…
27.) With pick #27, the Dallas Cowboys select running back Julius Caesar!
A shocker, Oz!
How so, Chet? Caesar has come, seen and conquered at all levels of play.
I’m talkin’ about the league’s youngest GM — Julius is about as far a cry from her previous picks as a White Castle is from a filet mignon. Is she going out on a limb here?
I don’t think so. One more year is a lot more experience when you’re only one-year old.
What do you make of the pick?
Caesar’s a natural leader on the field, marching through opponents like their nothin’. Defenses have a hard time stopping him.
My big concern, Oz, is how he deals with adversity. The Cowboys are a tumultuous organization, and there was that backstabbing incident in college. He kind of disappeared after that.
I’ll take my chances that he’ll score some major victories before that happens again, Oz…
28.) With the 28th pick of the draft, Washington selects wide receiver Chief Wahoo.
Yes, Chet, sure seems like Snyder wants to make sure the team can be offensive as possible.
Wahoo is a brave, but two-sport stars are always a risky proposition. On the one hand, there is Deion Sanders, who had a great career; on the other Bo Jackson, career cut short.
Good point, Chet. Washington must be banking on Cleveland continuing its post-season woes to have the Chief for a good part of the season.
29.) With the 29th pick in the ATAU Draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select, from New Mexico State ALBERT EINSTEIN!
It’s about time, Ozzie…
Damn right it is, Chester…As you know, the AE was first on my board; smartest player on the field, obsessive with learning intricacies of the game–
You’re kidding, Oz, I mean yeah the guy is good, but he’s bad with the media–
—Only because, nobody can figure out what the hell he’s talking about–
–Not an imposing physical presence–
Agreed, little on the small side–
Insists on wearing the same uniform everyday–
–Definitely has a little stink to him
Then why was he number one on your draft board?
Think about it…Bucs down 24 – 3 with 5 minutes left to play. AE bends time and space and the suddenly Tampa wins by thirteen….as the clock runs out–again and again…
They’ll never lose another game…
30. (The Atlanta Falcons are next up Ozzie…Selecting 30th, the Birds of Prey select strong safety, SHAFT!
Talk about a guy with a nasty disposition, Shaft will bring a whole new attitude to Peach Tree Street.
One bad mother–
He’ll hit you–
He’ll choke you–
He’ll put a cap in your white ass—
And he’ll look good doin’ it…
The only guy in the league with his own theme song…
No one else on the board deserves it…
31.) With the 31st overall pick the Minnesota Vikings select out of Screw U., running back HUGH HEFNER…
Talk about a stud, Ozzie!
Exploits more holes than anyone who’s ever played–
–But, OZ, c’mon, he is 83 years old…
–Still a baller though–
No doubt, but how does he get over the PED accusations?
Oz, he’s never tested positive for anything, and when you go down the list of how many–well, let’s just say his stamina and ability to take it the distance are legendary.
You think the Vikings took a PR risk given their “Love Boat” history?
Negatory, Chester, in fact, with Hef’s mansion, the Norsemen will have the coolest place in the league to party–
Maybe moving to LA won’t be so bad after all…
32.) With the 32nd and final pick in the first roun of the All-Time, All-Universe Draft, the Carolina Panthers select Cambridge tight end STEPHEN HAWKING…
The Panthers trying to match the Bucs picking Einstein, Chet?
Sorry, Oz, the Hawkster is brilliant, I just don’t think he can compete with the big boys, you know given his physical limitations –
–That’s because you’re an idiot–and he is a man who has defied the odds since he came down with ALS…
I know, I know…I just worry about him getting run over–
They just announced they will soup up his wheelchair with ATV tires and a Lamborghini engine…Look, Chester, the Hawkster will never be called a “quick twitch” athlete, but his only peer in the league is AE and that means Hawking can unbend time or undo any cosmic outcome AE generates–
That means one Sunday afternoon, somewhere in the future the Panthers and Bucs could play a game that…
Worse yet, if Hawkings theories prove true, we could all be sucked in to a Black Hole…
On that hopeful note we close out out coverage of the All-Time/All-Universe Draft…
This is Chester Hipe…
…and Ozzie Nutt reminding you…
To make the right choices…
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