The 2012 All-Time, All-Universe Draft, Recap Part 2 – FootballMonday, April 30, 2012 21:46
Editors Note: This is largely a reprint–-edited readers’ comments included—of the 2009, 2010 & 2011 All-Time, All-Universe Drafts.
2012 ATAU DRAFT PICKS 15 -28
15.) With the 15th pick, the Baltimore Ravens select…Middle Linebacker, The Bearded Lady, out of Barnum & Bailey University.
A surprise pick!!
Got that right, Ozzie…Nobody could get a good read on this guy—er, gal…Everyone knows the Ravens will have a huge hole to fill when Ray Lewis leaves for the Hall of Fame.
It seems only right the Rat Birds picked up a freak to replace Lewis…
Scares people just looking at her…
You gotta wonder if she’ll be able to use her feminine wiles to distract Big Ben…
…Maybe that’s why the Ravens got her…
16.) With the 16th pick, the Oakland Raiders select Defensive End Jeffrey Dahmer.
–Typical Raider pick, Oz?
–Right on, Chet. The guy is an absolute killer at his position, eating quarterbacks alive. But Oakland’s been known to make some questionable picks over the years, not in terms of talent but in terms of player psyche. And this guy is as unstable as they get.
–Yes, folks, he’s literally crazy. Let me repeat: literally crazy.
–There is good news, Chet.
–What’s that, Ozzie?
–He’ll fit right in with the rest of the Raiders team with that criminal record.
On the plus side, scouts say the “Dahminator” has a good head for the game, Chet.
–You mean “heads”–right Oz?
–Others say he can freeze an opponent with a hard glare
–No doubt, the man won’t make many friends–even in the Black Hole…
17.) …With the 17th pick in the HEL ATAU draft the New Orleans Saints select from Paris Prep School for Martyrs, quarterback JOAN OF ARC…
Holy shit, Chet! Talk about a born leader –
A warrior, Ozzie, and not afraid to jump feet first into the fire.
Question is …is she too young compete at this level?
All accounts say she’s got a burning desire to win and is willing to sacrifice everything for her teammates.
Well, lack of experience aside, Oz, I think we can all agree, she was destined to be a Saint.
FROM ANNABELLE AND NATE:
18.) With Da 18th pick, Da Bears take… out of Emerald City University, quarterback The Wizard of Oz!
–Any relation, Oz?
–I believe he’s a distant cousin on my father’s side, Chet. But he’s no Wizard of Westwood…
–Wrong sport, Oz.
–I realize that. As I was saying, this is a very surprising selection. Da Bears must be seeing something in him that we’re not, since I thought he would be a late second-rounder at best.
–The guy is a master of deception. His play fakes are things of beauty–he can fool anyone with them.
–Helps if there hi…
–True, but the question with the WOO has always been, does he have the brains and the heart to play at the next level.
–Big question indeed, and I’ll guess we’ll find out soon enough. One thing he does have is escapability. Never seen anybody make his way out of the pocket quite like he does.
–Yes, but does he have the courage to stay in when he needs to?
The guy’s magic Chet..With an uncanny ability to make those around him better…
On the clock–wait we have another pick…
19.) With the 19th pick in the ATAU draft, the Seattle Seahawks select LSDU receiver TIMOTHY LEARY…
This guy was high on the Hawk’s draft board, Chet.
Ozzie, he was high on everyone’s board. People without a board–still up there. In fact, he was on his way up comin’ out of college.
Plain and simple, the guy’s on another planet–
–Definitely plays outta his mind–and just who the ‘Hawks need to take them the next level, Chet…
You think Leary can get them to the Big Dance?
Don’t know about that Chester. I do know he can take them on a journey to the center of their mind.–
–And once you get there, anything is possible.
20.) With the 20th selection, the New York Jets take nose tackle from Abbey Normal College, FRANKENSTEIN…
Hold on Ozzie, let’s be clear…do they mean the Mary Shelley FRANKENSTEIN or the Mel Brooks FRONK N. STEEN?
Just got off the phone with Rex Ryan and Terry Bradway, it’s definitely Brooks’ Fronk N. Steen. The guy has loads more talent, stronger, bigger –
– Scary big —
– And well put together, size 17eee feet you could park a Beemer in his cleats–
–But not a cerebral guy, Oz —
– With his girth, he doesn’t have to be—
–Off field issues could be his undoing—
–You mean the birthday party?
–Who knew the candles would—
–Chester, let it rest, give the kid a chance for a fresh start.
21.) With the 21st pick, the New York Football Giants select the middle linebacker out of I.D.U., Sigmund Freud…
–Wow, another choice that comes with a lot of emotional baggage, don’t cha think, Oz?
–Well, Chet, Siggy does know how to mess with the quarterback’s mind. Heck, he even gets into the head of the coaching staff.
–Safe to say that he’s the type of a player that really changes a team’s psychology.
–Yes, Chester, but there is that ego problem. At the combine they were saying he’s got a super ego.
-Scouts say he aced the Wonderlich test —
– He wrote the damn thing, Ozzie..
After his interview, couple GMs were seen coming outta the meeting with tears in their eyes.
He was that impressive?
Uh-uh, mother issues…
22.) With the 22nd selection in the Human Experience League 2010 Draft, the Miami Dolphins take Maritime University free safety FLIPPER!!!
You believe it, Ozzie?
A team drowning in mediocrity finally gets their franchise player—
Well, not really, Oz, the real Flipper was actually a porpoise.
Not a Dolphin? I wonder if the Tuna knows.
He knows this kid loves to play, great balance, unreal backward step, good first move—definitely has a nose for the ball…. Coaches think he walks on water
Yeah, but, how fast do you think the ASPCA will accuse an opponent of animal cruelty?
Never, Chet, I’m sure Flip doesn’t want to be called a pussy –
– Or a porpoise.
–That isn’t their only problem; how many teams are going to visit Dolphin Stadium once they fill it with water?
23.) With the final pick in the 2010 All Time All Universe Draft the Philadelphia Eagles select All-World nose tackle, THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT.
The G-Men gotta be pissed! I know they thought he was a perfect fit for the Big Apple–
The Eagles taking a big chance here, Chester?
Gargantuan, considering the guy has to line up 30 yards downfield to stay onside –
–But once he gets his hands on the ball carrier, he crushes people –
–Throws ‘em around like pea pods, Ozzie. J Double G shows good balance, with a monster first step, but sometimes seems frozen in the open field.
He won’t have to move much, just clog up the middle. Little known fact—the kid is an off-season gardener.
That could be a problem in the City of Brotherly Love, Ozzie…
That won’t be the Eagles’ only problem, Chester—where they gonna find a helmet big enough to cover his head?
2011 ATAU Draft
As we get set for the 2011 All-Time, All Universe Draft selections, Chester, which teams have your highest grades so far.
The big winners besides, obviously the Texans who took Moses–a leader who will step right in, and the Rams who found a franchise savior in Jesus of Nazareth–and the 49ers who plucked Buddha with the number 11 pick. The guy has an inner peace that makes everyone on the field of life a better player. And the Seahawks will be flying a little higher with Tim Leary.
Don’t forget the Steelers, Chester, they made their always stout defense lethal with the addition of The Grim Reaper and their arch-rivals the Ravens, snatched this years version of the Freak with Barnum and Baileys’ Bearded Lady.
How ’bout the losers Chet?
The rookie regime in New England made what I have to label a couple of reaches with Snufflelupagus and the Wizard of Oz, I mean they are unique talents, but they played in the Animation and Puppet Conference (APC), where, let’s face it, the competition just isn’t as fierce as it is in, let’s say the Serial Killers and Marauders Conference (SKMC)–what was Annabelle thinking?
Dude, she was 5 months old….
True, but she and her apparently senile father passed up Atilla the Hun and John Wayne Gacey!
Remember, Chet, the Pats do have Belichick.
I stand corrected, Oz, and New England may be fortunate the Bills and Fish, in selecting free safeties Buffalo Bill and Flipper, respectively, may need a couple more years to rebuild.
Meanwhile the Jets got a little bigger and a lot scarier with Mel Brooks’ Fronk N. Steen…
Rex Ryan better start taking some violin lessons.
Next year’s ATAU Draft will be in prime time with bonafide talent still on the board like Sasquatch and Mohammed –
– He’ll never show up, Chester –
He’ll show, he’s gotta be more pissed than a Lambeau Field urinal that Jesus was taken second and he’s still on the board.
Way too many red flags…
True and there is still a wealth of talent remaining in the All Dictators and Despots Conference (ADDC)—Stalin, Mussolini, Pol Pot –
Think anyone will take a flier on Hitler, Chet??
Way too much baggage. Who’s gonna get behind this guy? He proven himself to be a lousy field general and he’s an anti-Semite-—to put it mildly
Is that good enough reason to bypass one of the sickest players in history?
That and about 13 million other reasons, Ozzie.
So here are the nine remaining teams…
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
WASHINGTON NATIVE AMERICANS
TAMPA BA BUCCANEERS
Coming up to the podium, with the first pick of the 2011 version of the All-Time, All-Universe Draft…Bill Polian…
24.) With the 24th overall selection, the Indianapolis Colts select, from Wilbur University, fullback, MISTER ED.
The Colts’ contingent doesn’t seem too happy, Ozzie.
–Why should they be? Flicka, Seabiscuit, then I’m on board. This guy ran a 4.5 forty, Chester!
–C’mon, that’s pretty good -
–FOUR HOURS AND FIVE MINUTES!!!
Maybe Polian thought the kid could give Manning some face time.
He’s slow, really messes up the field and his mouth constantly gets him into trouble. I don’t know why they call Polian a genius—
Hold on, OZ, have you ever talked to the kid?
Well no, Chet—
–In fact, has anyone ever heard a peep out of him?
Only his owner—
Then blame him for those rumors—and don’t be an “equinist.”
I only know what I see on television…Let’s get to the next pick…from our readers…
25.) The Tennessee Titans use Pick #25 to select the quarterback out of University of Mount Olympus, Zeus…
Talk ’bout keeping your friends close and enemies closer, Oz.
True, Chet, the Titans have not had the best luck with Olympians in the past. That having been said, you can’t fault the pick. Zeus has a lightning bolt of an arm…
… bet the Bolts are angry the missed out on adding that to the arsenal.
He’s a god amongst men, Chet.
The only potential downside I see are the penalties. He’s the only quarterback I’ve ever seen have interference called against him!
Chargers are on the clock, still pissed the Titans snatched Zeus on the last pick.
Bolts should’ve known, you gotta trade up to get a God—can’t count on them fallin’ to you.
26.) The San Diego Chargers, with the 26th pick in the ATAU draft select, from Mt. Ranier University – SASQUATCH!
Can’t believe this guy was still on the board Ozzie!
Not hard to figure Chester. He didn’t show at the combine and their really isn‘t too much film on the guy, hardly any as a matter of fact. Scouts can’t get him to show up for a look see.
C’mon people can’t stop talking about him, he has to be for real.
No doubt. Guys a huge hitter and we know from the few minutes of film we do have, he doesn’t like to be laughed at.
The Monsters and Fiends Conference (MFC) for some reason produces the most eccentric players for the All -Time team.
These guys—Cyclops, Sasquatch, The Boogie Man—they just don’t a show up on a consistent basis –
–Risk/reward dynamic OZ, these guys’ upsides are tremendous, question is will they maximize their potential and show up every day.
History says they too often don’t…
FROM ANNABELLE AND NATE”
27.) With pick #27, the Dallas Cowboys select running back Julius Caesar!
A shocker, Oz!
How so, Chet? Caesar has come, seen and conquered at all levels of play.
I’m talkin’ about the league’s youngest GM — Julius is about as far a cry from her previous picks as a White Castle is from a filet mignon. Is she going out on a limb here?
I don’t think so. One more year is a lot more experience when you’re only one-year old.
What do you make of the pick?
Caesar’s a natural leader on the field, marching through opponents like their nothin’. Defenses have a hard time stopping him.
My big concern, Oz, is how he deals with adversity. The Cowboys are a tumultuous organization, and there was that backstabbing incident in college. He kind of disappeared after that.
The ‘Boys are taking their chances that he’ll score some major victories before that happens again, Oz.
28.) With the 28th pick of the draft, Washington selects wide receiver Chief Wahoo.
Yes, Chet, sure seems like Snyder wants to make sure the team can be offensive as possible.
Wahoo is a brave, but two-sport stars are always a risky proposition. On the one hand, there is Deion Sanders, who had a great career; on the other Bo Jackson, career cut short.
Good point, Chet. Washington must be banking on Cleveland continuing its post-season woes to have the Chief for a good part of the season.
Who is the next pick?
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