The 2012 All-Time, All-Universe Draft, Recap Part 1 – FootballFriday, April 27, 2012 7:54
Editors Note: This is largely a reprint–-edited readers’ comments included—of the 2009, 2010 & 2011 All-Time, All-Universe Drafts.
The 2012 All-Time, All-Universe Draft Begins Now!
The AT/AU Draft was conceived over two decades ago when Gene Collier, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette’s brilliant sports columnist and some colleagues killed time during a lull in a late ’80s NFL draft–before ESPN created the media event it is today.
The sports scribes devised the first-ever All Time/All Universe Draft, pretending the human experience were a sports league of its own.
Each writer agreed to assume the mantle of a General Manager, which meant each sports scribe turned “GM” had to choose anyone–dead, fictional, mythological, or of course any living, breathing, character or creature–for his or her “team” and provide Mel Kiper like commentary detailing the pick’s qualifications and why the “Player” was chosen.
Since numerous readers have told us they would love to make a pick, but don’t have time to write the commentary, we can assure you the DIS staff will steal any good idea you send us and shamefully take credit for your genius.
You can either send us your picks at g (dot) a (dot) porpora (at) att (dot) net, or wait until after tomorrow’s column and make your selections in the comments section of our home page.
The Deep Into Sports Draft Team anchored by OSCAR NUTT and Draft Guru, CHESTER HIPE will provide written commentary from DIS Headquarters deep in the bowels of Burbank, California. Their commentary appears in italics throughout.
The never venerable Gary Porpora will serve as Commissioner of the Human Experience League, (HEL).
Before we commence picking the 2012 ATAU Draft class—which will conclude with the last four picks of round one—let’s review the first 14 picks in today’s post and picks 15-28 in tomorrow’s post.
We welcome any picks readers want to make in our comments section after tomorrows post.
The 2009 HEL Draft kicks off with the first pick from Detroit Lions GM Gene Collier:
1.) With the first pick, I select Ben Franklin, offensive tackle, University of Pennsylvania. Good size, smart, you can build around him. They
built a nation around the guy.
Wow, Chet, shocker or what?
Lions might be catching lighting in a bottle
Ozzie, they like this guy’s brain. He helped write one of the
greatest playbooks ever written. Scored so high on the Wonderlich test, they
thought he cheated.
Some huge names still on the board… Next pick, Chet…
FROM GAIRZO via Gene Collier:
2.) The Los Angeles Rams select… Quarterback, Jesus of Nazareth…
Christ Almighty, Chet! No surprise here!
Well, Ozzie, you can bet he was in the top five of most HEL draft
boards, even though we have no idea where he’s been for most of the last
fifteen years. But if you look at him in action-here he is throwing the brokers outta the Temple-
-Look at those moves! Gotta admire his commitment.
The guy’s a savior, Oz. Durable, can stand a lot of punishment,
definitely will take one for the team. Only downside is moments of self-doubt
when it counts, but he has a great family from what I hear. Can see him leading
the Rams to the Promised Land…
3.) The Kansas City Chiefs select FU linebacker Ron Jeremy.
Enormous, Oz. Talk about a highlight reel! We’d be here a week and
not get through his greatest hits. Look at him move; guy’s a load. We
interviewed him on the last episode of “HEL
Night”. Funny kid; said his only goal was to be the biggest prick in the
Definitely knows how to fill a hole–especially the dreaded “A gap”–and
he can play every position. Heard he gave a whole new meaning to the Wonderlich
Weight issues, though, could be an issue, Chet.
Absolutely, only thing the man loves more than his game is a triple
Whopper with the works.
4.) The Seattle Seahawks choose… at Safety… The Virgin Mary
The Fans love the pick, Chet.
What’s not to love, Oz? She’s a bit of a mystery, deceptive, some
people just don’t believe she has the goods… Others are convinced she’s got a
little savior in her, too.
Oh, no doubt, people worship her, but can she make the transition
from the manger to prime time? She’ll be carrying quite a burden.
She’s done it before, Oz.
You gotta feel for Joseph, though, Chet. Wife and kid go in the top
five… Where do you project him going?
What has he ever done? Imagine how he feels telling the wife to
ick-snay on the Astercard-May, or worse when he told Jesus he was grounded?
Al Davis will probably pick him up as a free agent–they know each
other from kindergarten…
5.) With the fifth pick in the HEL All-Time, All-Universe draft,
The Cleveland Browns select wide receiver… Harry Houdini…
The Brownies taking a risk here, Chet?
No, Ozzie, he was eight on my draft board. Escape-ability is his
greatest asset. One second he’s there, next
second, he’s gone. I think we’re safe in saying the guy’s got great hands.
6.) With the number six pick, the Cincinnati Bengals select… Duke
Blue Devil running back Beelzebub “Satan” Lucifer!
Is this another Bengal bungle, Chet?
Hard to tell… Lucifer is definitely a power back, but his fiery
personality could leave Cincy in an even deeper, darker hole than the one they
drafted him to fill. For all his intense strength, Beelzebub has bred
dissension at every level he has played–and that includes Pop Warner!
So, you’re saying Satan makes even Randy Mosss seem like an angel?
Maybe, Oz, but don’t sell your soul on that assumption yet. With
the Bengals already leading the league in the all important
Violent-Criminals-to-Total-Players ratio, Lucifer guarantees that Cincinnati
will come out on top in that department for years to come.
True. The guy never fumbles, and if he can coerce the rest of the
squad to hold onto the ball with the same demonic possession he himself
exhibits… it’s a devilishly bold move that just might payoff.
Tremendous pick for the Bengals, Chet. People forget “The Beezer”
goes both ways. Started out as one of the best, then, according to his Head
Coach he started gettin’ a little to big for his britches and they had to send
him down. Talk about a controversy that has no end in sight.
Yeah, well, don’t forget, guy’s a born leader with the game to
match—Definitely has some Ray Lewis in him; teammates will follow him to hell.
7.) With the 7th pick, the Texans take the center from the Mount
Sinai U – Moses.
This is a top notch pick, Chet. They say the guy can part a D-line
like the Red Sea.
Let’s not forget, Oz, he has a great training regimen. He’ll
actually be allowed to spend training camp off the Texans’ facilities. He’ll be
in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights getting ready for the season.
He also uses plays designed by God Himself, Chet. Chisels them on
stone tablets. Try carrying that playbook around the desert for over a month.
I don’t think ya got to worry about that, Oz. Upon hearing the
Texans’ logo and mascot were a bull, he threw the tablets off the mountain
smashing them to smithereens.
8.) With the eighth pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars
select quarterback Ludwig van Beethoven.
This one’s a bit of a surprise, Chet. Beet’s as talented a player
as has ever scored a note, but since he’s gone deaf, receiving the play call is
an iffy proposition. Calls a lot of audibles…
Tough to ignore that talent though, Oz. After all, they don’t call
this guy Maestro for nothin’. He’s orchestrated more classic comebacks than
most QB’s have won outright. The 9th was something special.
Can’t deny that.
9.) …Coming up to the stage…The Green Bay Packers select, with the
ninth pick, from London University, JACK THE RIPPER -
Oh boy, this’ll make the Packer faithful jump for joy, Chet.
Guy’s scary good, Oz, cuts on a dime and nobody can catch him.
Surprised the Packers took a chance on a guy who’s had several run-ins with the law.
Not afraid to draw a little blood either, huh, Chet?
No doubt. Primary downside is the Ripper’s, let’s say, exciting night
Loves the ladies, so to speak —
- The tabloids won’t leave him alone.
They’ll love him even more when he’s knifing through defenses.
Whoa, Chet, I see a red flag laying on the draft floor, thrown by
Charlie “Deng” Feevah, branding manager at HEL. Looks like there’s an
eligibility question over Jesus of Nazareth playing in the Human Experience
You know, Ozzie, I was wondering who and when that challenge would
be made. I don’t think it’s sour grapes – Deng wouldn’t hold that in him – but
he’s gotta be worried about how JesNa’s pick by the Lions will hit the bottom
line on the Saint’s ticket and apparel sales, and then there’s the whole issue:
Is he a man? Or is he a god?
Chet, no question sales would plummet to hell in a handbasket. I
mean, the guy walks on water as far as I’m concerned – and you gotta have that
when you’re playing at Heinz Field during the monsoon – but Deng’s got this one
nailed. C’mon, this guy’s not human. Everybody knows that. God-like, O-man,
Well, Mary’s really screwed now, Chet. That bright star in the west
she was following turned out to be a defective digital Starbuck’s billboard on
the I-5 near Smokey Point. So who will the Rams take now that Jesus has been
Ron Popiel has to be at the top of their list, O. The guy slices
and dices though a secondary like a razor cuts old zucchini. He’ll shred the D
and you’ll see Ron Jeremy go limp on the long ball. Your thoughts?
Hmmm, tough call, Chet. George A. Custer looks good but I don’t
like how the Rams match up against the Redskins with him. No, I’m going with
Dr. Ruth instead. She knows the ins and outs of the game and she talks the talk
like she walks the walk. If anybody can debunk Mary’s immaculate game plan, it’s
Brilliant, O-man, brilliant.
From THE COMMISH:
As HEL Commisioner, I’m over-ruling Tom. If Tom wants to re-pick
Dr. Ruth later in the draft, he can exercise that option. Jesus is officially
off the board and headed to St. Louis..
Good call, ‘Zo! Jesus of Nazareth’s humanity is a given considering
the torture he endured from his critics and the unprecedented way he triumphed
over adversity. Has anyone ever resurrected a career like JesNa?. Guy was as
good as dead, then…2000+ years. Christ, what do you want? The guy’s an iron man—and
shows no signs of hanging up the halo…
10.) The tenth pick of the 2009 all-time-all universe draft, from
the Bills, it’s, unbelievable Chet. The Buffalo Bills take free safety BUFFALO
Talk about the hometown boy making good-
-He was born in Iowa, Chet -
You know what I mean, Oz. Cody puts on a great show for the fans
and it has to feel special getting drafted by the team named after you -
- You mean the team that pilfered your name for its corporate
Good point, Ozzie. Could be a problem in merchandizing…
11.) With the 11th pick the San Francisco 49ers select nose tackle
SIDDHARTHA GAUTAMA BUDDHA…
Listen to that crowd, Chet.
Ozzie, are they “booing?”
No, Chet, they’re “Buuuing”
So they don’t like the pick?
It’s a tribute to his greatness–forget it. Any event, looks like
the 49ers have found their savior.
Sorry, Ozzie, the Buddha has no interest in being a savior. Stats
tell the story. In his stellar career he has never made a tackle. Never had to.
With his girth, he’s an immovable object in the middle.
But how will he increase the chances of taking his team to Super
Bowl Nirvana-I mean you gotta make tackles, hit people in this league. Doesn’t
he risk making the Niners a finesse team?
They’ll take that risk. While it’s true Buddha would never hit
anyone on the field, he will meet running backs at the line of scrimmage and
gently discusses the nature of existence until they stop running from life and
begin to follow a path of moderation away from the extremes of self-indulgence
You mean, he bores them to death?
A beautiful thing to behold.
Timeless, Oz. Even the refs don’t mess with perfection; won’t even
throw a flag on him. One time they called him for planting a tree on an
opponent’s logo. After about 49 days sitting under it, he became Enlightened
and the refs picked the flag up.
They were Enlightened too?
Negatory, Ozzie, they were trying to get the Big Guy to hit the
FROM ROOKIE GM, ANNABELLE AND HER DAD, NATE:
12.) With the 12th pick in the 2010 All Time All Universe Draft our
youngest GM, for the New England Patriots, ANNABELLE, picks the huge tight end
from Sesame Street College, MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS…
Big pick, Ozzie, His size makes him a stout blocker, and that fact
that almost no one can see him makes him a beast on pass routes.
Controversial, too, this guy sometimes takes plays off. One scout
described him as too often invisible-
-But, he’s a crowd pleaser and great with kids…
13.) The 13th pick-unlucky 13-from the Pittsburgh Steelers lands
them middle line backer from Death To U, THE GRIM REAPER…
Sorry, Ozzie, I don’t like it. Guy like TGR can kill a locker room-
- Awe, c’mon Chet, the guy has talent and he can really bring down
-You mean, the scythe-
-That too. Obviously, the Steelers risk bringing down their whole
team to send a message to wayward quarterback Big Ben Roethlisberger-live clean
or-well, you know…
–What message? Don’t go to a bar, you might get punked by some
drunk coed? Don’t spend your money?
Sorry, Chet, I don’t buy the Steeleres selecting TGR has anything
to do with Big Ben. TGR has produced at every level, always comes away a
-Yeah, Oz Man, but you gotta admit the guy seldom has an
encouraging word for anyone…
Well Chet at least he’s not a rapist…
Right now we’d like to bring in Tony Moss, esteemed NFL
Editor/Senior Editor at The Sports Network.com. Tony writes a weekly column at
TSN and his match-up analyses are must reading for any serious NFL fan.
All you TMoss…
FROM TONY MOSS:
14.) With the 14th pick in the ATAU draft, the Arizona Cardinals
select quarterback NEIL DIAMOND…
Music to the ears of Cardinal fans, Chet. Might be a bit of a reach
but TMoss wasn’t afraid to tell us the Red Birds are drafting for need.
Diamond definitely needs some polish, Oz, but he’s filled stadiums
everywhere he’s played and has Roethlisberger-like command of offense. You ever
listen to the lyrics of “Girl, You’ll be a Women Soon”?
be a woman soon
take my hand
be a woman soon
need a man.
misunderstood for all of my life
But what they’re
sayin’, girl, just cuts like a knife
“The boy’s no
Ozzie? Are you blushing?
A classic panty dropper, Chet. Classic…And that voice…inspirational,
sounds more like Hank Stram every time he opens his mouth.
To a man, his teammates agree there’s no one they’d rather hear
Besides who else has the balls to wear a sequined jacket for the
TOMORROW: Picks 15 – 28
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