NFL Week 7 Picks and Analysis – FootballSunday, October 23, 2011 9:22
Game picks for Week 7 of the 2011 NFL football season.
NFL 2011 Week 7 Picks & Analysis
Time to Face Facts
Can we be honest with each other?
We are a country, a people, a culture in love with violence, blood, bombs, and the thrill of victory and agony of defeat.
Given the Republican’s response to our imminent exit from Iraq, there can be no argument to the thesis.
The waging of war, the political obsession with maintaining a constant state of war–and all the inherent violence, pyrotechnics, and blood that accompany it–is our true “national pastime.”
All of the above also explain why NFL football–the perfect cultural metaphor for war–dwarves the other four major sports in attendance, television revenue, fan passion, and severity of players’ injuries.
Hockey? Please…Canada’s national symbol is a leaf from a sappy tree.
Basketball? The games worst injuries are suffered by wise-ass fans who piss off a brutha’ once to often. Fun, yes, but let’s face it, consistent, meaningful violence is rare…
Baseball? Too much sitting and spitting–and not enough hitting.
No, football is the perfect metaphor for war–wait…
Car racing?…Give them their due, Gairzo. People die in that sport…
Just last week, Indy driver Dan Wheldon hit his head at 203 MPH on a Vegas race course, and if you believe some racing pundit on ESPN, Wheldon and friends were racing on a banked track designed for the heavier NASCAR vehicles, not for the much lighter, open-wheeled and roofless Indy cars.
Did you ever see an IRL car up close? It is tiny. The driver has to wriggle in like he is coarse ground meat forcing itself into a sausage casing. Imagine a kayak sitting on four wheels, welded to an aluminum chassis, propelled by a space-shuttle-worthy engine.
The empty space throughout the entire vehicle serves as the fuel tank.
If guys named Abdul or Mohammed drove Indy cars, we would call them suicide bombs.
In the last 50 years or so–if the aforementioned ESPN guy was correct–car racing has seen at least one death every other year.
Hearing Too Many Voices
The media response to Wheldon’s demise was predictable. The teeth-gnashing and weeping from some reactionaries condemning the fans and drivers for hoping to see a crash sounded like a scratched CD
How cynical can they be?
In effect, they are saying football fans want to see Ray Lewis snap Tom Brady’s spine, or hockey fans yearn to witness elite athletes fight MMA style, wearing two Ginzu knives strapped to their feet–on ice.
My God, it’s like some pundits secretly believe that basketball fans crave to watch LeBron snap due to some contaminated HGH and pummel a fan into eternity or that baseball purists are hoping to see the instantaneous death of Albert Puljols resulting from a Neftali Feliz fast ball to the temple.
Nobody would watch the next game if any of those things happened, would they?
My take on the issue of player/driver safety is pretty simple. These adults accept the risk of potentially horrible death in exchange for fame, wealth, top shelf poontang, endorsements, and adulation.
Who, in their right mind, wouldn’t?
(Basketball players–their game devoid of good ol’ American violence–could have a coronary while administering a fan’s ass-kicking. We can’t, in fairness, leave them out.)
The Tea Party faction of the media echoed the sentiments of some one-toothed rednecks–with technicolor tattoos of Dale Earnhardt on their beer bellies–who think race cars should be faster.
Now them’s my kind of folks.
They made me wonder if owners in other sports, competitive as they are, were considering ways to up the death potential in their respective endeavors.
Just in case they haven’t imagined the possibilities, allow me…
A usually non-violent sport like basketball should heed the genius advice of Charles Barkley. Every game, one smart-assed fan receives a center-court beating. My piggy-back suggestion? Any hoopster who misses more than two free throws must walk up the arena steps between a gauntlet of fans who have been comped wooden sticks with protruding rungs in honor of “Wilt the Stilt Night.”
The key is to get fans involved.
In baseball, any player committing an error must, during his next at bat, be stripped of all padding used in normal trips to the plate–including jockstrap–then face two pitchers delivering the ball simultaneously. During the seventh inning stretch, really stupid and inebriated baseball fans could challenge for season tickets by diving for fungoed foul balls–from the bleachers.
Head-hunting hockey players would be required to subsequently perform in the Arctic Circle naked, wearing figure skates, listening to play-by-play by Brian Boitano. During intermission, random players would try to shoot pucks between the legs of selected fans chosen to replace cardboard cut-outs in the traditional between period gimmick we would call “The Five-Hole Shootout.”
Imagine the fun, if during random series of downs, NFL footballs were armed with actual bombs. Goodell and his cronies could up the WTF factor and bring the games closer to the fans by randomly adding timers to the “foot-bombs” so that they might detonate after an over-kicked extra point sails into the crowd.
It would stop the injury-causing scurrying for souvenirs–and the “Red Zone” channel would enjoy a whole new reason to exist.
Nah, forget it. Nobody wants to see anybody get hurt, do they?
Week 7 Picks
Last Week’s Picks
Last Week: 4 – 8 – 1 (.333)
2011 Overall Tally: 41 – 44 – 5 (.482)
Specials Tally: 14 – 9 – 1 (.608)
After digging myself out of a self-made rabbit hole in Week 6, I slipped right back into Blunderland, missing on 2/3 overall and managing only a push by picking the Bills to Buffalo the G-Men–marking the first week ever I didn’t have at least one right Specials call.
This Week’s Picks
Week 7 finds us with one of the worst slate of games in my two-and-a-half years at DIS.
There have been more Sucker’s Bets this year than genuine Specials.
How do you pick teams that suffer a 45-point blowout loss to a less-talented team one week then play lights out against a more-talented division rival the next?
Tampa Bay…C’mon down…
Chicago, Pittsburgh, Dallas…the Jekyll-and-Hyde syndrome has infected the entire league–except in a small Wisconsin town.
At least one of the contests on this week’s docket features a young quarterback making his first home start–in an opponent’s stadium–which brings us to the …
Game of the Week (3 – 3)
Tim Tebow lives his faith and you have to respect that. The kid has something to prove and his Broncos travel to Miami to meet the Fish–as the Dolphins honor Tebow’s championship victory as QB of the ’09 Florida Gators. Dolphin’s owner Stephen Ross had to figure out a way to sell tickets.
He should have called Ace Ventura.
The Dolphins are in disarray and Tebow isn’t. Probably the first time in NFL history, the crowd roots for the enemy.
Sure am glad I’m not a Fish fan.
Broncos 24, Dolphins 10
Upset Special (5 – 0 – 1)
We know Rex Ryan has a foot fetish; we didn’t want to believe his own feet were the object of his affection–you know, the ones he keeps sticking in his mouth. This week, Rexy said that had the Chargers hired him instead of Norv Turner he would “have a couple rings by now.”
What a jag-off. We can say a lot about Norv Turner, but we can’t question his talent as a play caller. His offenses have consistently put up big numbers.
Someone should tweet Rex Ryan the following: “When your identical twin brother accuses you of ‘ring envy,’ it’s time to shut the hell up.”
We’re breaking a lot of rules–the Chargers don’t like the East Coast and the spread really is no spread–but Ryan and one of his star players smack of desperation: http://www.nfl.com/news/story/09000d5d8235651a/article/jets-revis-vents-on-wfans-francesa-during-onair-meltdown?module=HP11_headline_stack
Chargers 31, Jets 20
Lock of the Week (3 – 3)
Green Bay gives Christian Ponder and the host Vikings a thorough, workmanlike, merciless beating. Records are set, dogs and cats begin mating, McDonalds puts real meat in their burgers…
Why make the switch now? What could Leslie Frazier be thinking? Ponder is known for his mind as well as his athletic skills. But unless the Pack comes in cocky, we don’t think the Norsemen stand a chance.
Packers 35, Vikings 10
Over/Under of the Week (3 – 3)
The Lions try to tame the Birds of Prey at Ford Field after letting the Niners steal one in Week 6. Both these teams have been inconsistent and we don’t see more than 45 points total.
Lions 28, Falcons 17
As always, my lines are found here: http://www.footballlocks.com/nfl_lines.shtml
My picks can be found below in italic…
NFL Lines For Week 7, 10/23 – 10/24, 2011
|Date & Time||Favorite||Line||Underdog||Total|
|10/23 1:00 ET||Chicago||-1.5||Tampa Bay||43.5|
|10/23 1:00 ET||At Carolina||-2.5||Washington||43|
|10/23 1:00 ET||At NY Jets||-1 US||San Diego||43.5|
|10/23 1:00 ET||At Cleveland||-3||Seattle||41|
|10/23 1:00 ET||At Tennessee||-3||Houston||44|
|10/23 1:00 ET||At Miami||PK GW||Denver||41.5|
|10/23 1:00 ET||At Detroit O/U||-4||Atlanta||47.5|
|10/23 4:05 ET||At Oakland||-3.5||Kansas City||41|
|10/23 4:05 ET||Pittsburgh||-3.5||At Arizona||44|
|10/23 4:15 ET||At Dallas||-14||St. Louis||43|
|10/23 4:15 ET||Green Bay LW||-9.5||At Minnesota||47|
|10/23 8:30 ET||At New Orleans||-13.5||Indianapolis||49|
Monday Night Football Line
|10/24 8:35 ET||Baltimore||-9||At Jacksonville||40|
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