NFL, NFLPA & CBA – FootballMonday, July 11, 2011 21:16
Rules the NFL and NFLPA should include in their new collective bargaining agreement.
If I Were in Charge
Let’s pretend for one moment, each of us is suddenly thrust into the role of NFL commissioner.
That’s right, put yourself in Roger Goodell’s slippers, tap your heels together and repeat three times, “I don’t just work for the owners, I work for the game.”
If, by the third incantation, you haven’t burst into laughter, you have what it takes to lead the National Football League into the next decade of corporate hypocrisy.
Your first task is to solve the current labor impasse.
What would you do?
Here’s my short list of what the league and the NFLPA should negotiate into the next CBA:
- All quarterbacks–thank you, Jack Lambert–must wear skirts…Miniskirts…and garter belts…and high heels…
Such a uniform requirement would let head-hunting defenders know quarterbacks are off limits, and allow Goodell and company to muscle in on the “Lingerie Bowl” audience. You know, so they can grow the game.
- The “Albert Haynesworth Rule” will be followed without exception.
Very simple…The A.H. Rule: Any player signing a contract for over twenty-five million bucks who decides not to play when and where the coaches want, who does not follow team rules and coaches’ orders, or who becomes an unrelenting pain in his team’s rump will receive a paycheck only after donning a diaper and shaking a rattle while running laps around the stadium concourses.
Again, the league could sell tickets to the event(s)–remember, T.O., Randy Moss and Chad Ochocinco are still in the league–and auction off spots to some lucky fans who would get to drop balloons filled with baby food on the offending player as he jogs up to the stadium roof–and back down.
A fan would get $25,000.00 (of the player’s money), for every balloon that finds its mark. If you don’t believe a player would do it, think again.
For twenty-five million dollars, would you?
To demand accountability, Commissioner Porpora would demand the idiot owner who signs such a slacker not share in any revenue the “Diaper Run” generates.
…The creators of South Park inspired this next one…
- Every time an owner, player, or NFL employee uses the phrase, “The fans want…” they will be zapped with 5,000 volts of electricity. (Roger Goodell, if I decide to retain his services, will receive 50,0000 volts.)
Yes, this would require all NFL employees have a chip–perhaps called a “Blinger”–implanted into their bodies. To make such an intrusion more palatable to the image-conscious players, the chip could be embedded into a gaudy tattoo, worn as an earring, belly button ring–or as a ring on the body part of the player’s choice.
Imagine amongst yourselves…
Of course, our more astute readers recognize the potential for fraud. After all, how could we be sure all players are, in fact, chipped?
During pre-game introductions, each player will be required to say the phrase, “The fans want…” Their reactions will leave no doubt as to who is a cheater–and whose dollars pay for their bling.
Since the league would undoubtedly resist this expensive technology, the current year’s first five draft picks would have to pay a local jeweler half of the bill. The remaining cost would be picked up by Dez Bryant (rings) and Terrell Pryor (tattoos).
Finally, the league will present the most deserving NFLPA member with the “Favre You Award”. Given annually to celebrate the player who texts the most outrageous photo of Hank and The Twins to a special female fan.
Now, it’s your turn…
What would you include in the NFL’s next CBA?
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