2010 All-Time, All-Universe Draft – NFL Football
Monday, April 19, 2010 20:29
[Editors Note: This is largely a reprint--readers' comments included--of the 2009 A-Time, All-Universe Draft. The crack draft staff at Deep Into Sports will continue to pander to our extremely talented audience until we have gathered a full class of 32 of the best picks.]
The 2010 All-Time, All-Universe Draft
The Pittsburgh Post Gazette’s Gene Collier is that rare American sports columnist. He can make you laugh so hard you snort your coffee out your nose. I speak from experience.
His work should be a textbook for any serious writer, blogger, or sports fan.
His columns can be found here:
http://www.post-gazette.com/search/archive.asp?cCat=150
Or here:
http://www.post-gazette.com
Gene’s one-man play co-authored with Rob Zeller, called “The Chief”– dramatizing the life story of Art Rooney, founder of the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers–can be purchased here:
http://www.upress.pitt.edu/BookDetails.aspx?bookId=35944
Mr. Collier is also a frequent guest on WDVE 102.5 FM, the Pittsburgh Steelers’ flagship radio station.
One morning he recounted a little known event that occurred during a lull in a late ’80s NFL draft, before ESPN created the media event it is today.
Seems a bunch of sports writers with nothing better to do devised the first-ever All Time, All Universe Draft, pretending the human experience were a sports league of its own.
Each writer agreed to assume the mantle of a General Manager, which meant each sports scribe turned “GM” had to act as if he were responsible, successful, intelligent and worldly and possessed more important knowledge than Peyton Manning’s career completion percentage or Tom Brady’s shoe size.
A Herculean task, but these were courageous men and women.
The rules, as they were then, are simple: The “GM” may choose anyone–dead or alive–for his or her team, but the selector must provide a rationale as to why the pick is necessary and/or explain what qualities the “player” brings to the table.
The Deep Into Sports Draft Team anchored by OSCAR NUTT and Draft Guru, CHESTER HIPE will provide written commentary from DIS Headquarters deep in the bowels of Burbank, California. Their commentary will appear in “italicized quotes” throughout.
The never venerable Gary Porpora will serve as Commissioner of the Human Experience League, (HEL).
Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2008 HEL Draft kicks off with the first pick from Detroit Lions GM Gene Collier:
1.) With the first pick, I select Ben Franklin, offensive tackle, University of Pennsylvania. Good size, smart, you can build around him. They built a nation around the guy.
Wow, Chet, shocker or what?
Ozzie, they like this guy’s brain. He helped write one of the greatest playbooks ever written. Scored so high on the Wonderlich test, they thought he cheated. Lions might be catching lighting in a bottle.
Some huge names still on the board… Next pick, Chet.
2.) The Los Angeles Rams select… Quarterback, Jesus of Nazareth…
Christ Almighty, Chet! No surprise here!
Well Ozzie, you can bet he was in the top five of most HEL draft boards, even though we have no idea where he’s been for most of the last fifteen years. But if you look at him in action–here he is throwing the brokers outta the Temple-
–Look at those moves! Gotta admire his commitment.
The guy’s a savior, Oz. Durable, can stand a lot of punishment, definitely will take one for the team. Only downside is moments of self-doubt when it counts, but he has a great family from what I hear. Can see him leading the Rams to the Promised Land.
3.) The Kansas City Chiefs select FU linebacker Ron Jeremy.
Huge pick!
Enormous, Oz. Talk about a highlight reel! We’d be here a week and not get through his greatest hits. Look at him move, guy’s a load. We interviewed him on the last episode of “HEL Night”. Funny kid, said his only goal was to be the biggest prick in the league.
Definitely knows how to fill a hole–especially the dreaded “A gap”–and he can play every position.
Weight issues, though, could be an issue, Chet.
Absolutely, only thing the man loves more than his game is a triple Whopper with the works.
4.) The Seattle Seahawks choose… at Safety… The Virgin Mary
The Fans love the pick, Chet.
What’s not to love, Oz? She’s a bit of a mystery, deceptive, some people just don’t believe she has the goods… Others are convinced she’s got a little savior in her, too.
Oh, no doubt, people worship her, but can she make the transition from the manger to prime time? She’ll be carrying quite a burden.
She’s done it before, Oz.
You gotta feel for Joseph, though, Chet. Wife and kid go in the top five… Where do you project him going?
What has he ever done? Imagine how he feels telling the wife to ick-snay on the Astercard-May, or worse when he told Jesus he was grounded?
Al Davis will probably pick him up as a free agent–they know each other from kindergarten.
5.) With the fifth pick in the HEL All-Time, All-Universe draft, The Cleveland Browns select wide receiver… Harry Houdini…
The Brownies taking a risk here, Chet?
No, Ozzie, he was eight on my draft board. Escape-ability is his greatest asset. One second he’s there, next second, he’s gone. I think we’re safe in saying the guys a magician. Great hands.
From NATE
6.) With the number six pick, the Cincinnati Bengals select… Duke Blue Devil running back Beelzebub “Satan” Lucifer!
Is this another Bengal bungle, Chet?
Hard to tell… Lucifer is definitely a power back, but his fiery personality could leave Cincy with an even deeper, darker hole than the one they drafted him to fill. For all his intense strength, Beelzebub has bred dissension at every level he has played–and that includes Pop Warner!
So, you’re saying Satan makes even Terrell Owens seem like an angel?
Maybe, Oz, but don’t sell your soul on that assumption yet. With the Bengals already leading the league in the all important Violent-Criminals-to-Total-Players ratio, Lucifer guarantees that Cincinnati will come out on top in that department for years to come.
True. The guy never fumbles, and if he can coerce the rest of the squad to hold onto the ball with the same demonic possession he himself exhibits… it’s a devilishly bold move that just might payoff.
Tremendous pick for the Bengals, Chet. People forget,”The Beezer” goes both ways. Started out as one of the best, then, according to his Head Coach he started gettin’ a little to big for his britches and they had to send him down. Talk about a controversy that has no end in sight.
Yeah, well, don’t forget, guy’s a born leader with the game to match–he can hit you so hard he’ll take your soul. Definitely has some Ray Lewis in him; teammates will follow him to hell.
From ADAM:
7.) With the 7th pick, the Texans take the center from the Mount Sinai U – Moses.
This is a top notch pick, Chet. They say the guy can part a D-line like the Red Sea.
Let’s not forget, Oz, he has a great training regimen. He’s actually been allowed to spend training camp off the nomal Texans’ facilities. He’ll be in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights getting ready for the season.
He also uses plays designed by God Himself, Chet. Chisels them on stone tablets. Try carrying that playbook around the desert for over a month.
I don’t think ya got to worry about that, Oz. Upon hearing the Texans’ logo and mascot were a bull, he threw them off the mountain smashing them to smithereens.
From NATE
8.) With the eighth pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars select quarterback Ludwig van Beethoven.
This one’s a bit of a surprise, Chet. Beet’s as talented a player as has ever scored a note, but since he’s gone deatth, receiving the play call is an iffy proposition. He calls a lot of audibles. Considering who’s still on the board…
It’s tough to ignore that talent though, Oz. After all, they don’t call this guy Maestro for nothin’. He’s orchestrated more classic comebacks than most QB’s have won outright. The 9th was something special.
Can’t deny that. And, hey, he’s popular with the band.
From GAIRZO
9.) …Coming up to the stage…The Green Bay Packers…
With the ninth pick, from London University, JACK THE RIPPER –
Oh boy, this’ll make the Packer faithful jump for joy, Chet.
Guy’s scary good, Oz, cuts on a dime and nobody can catch him. Surprised the Packers took a chance on a guy who’s had several run-ins with the law.
Not afraid to draw a little blood either, huh Chet?
No doubt. Primary downside is the Rippers, let’s say, exciting night life.
Loves the ladies, so to speak —
– The tabloids won’t leave him alone.
They’ll love him even more when he’s knifing through defenses.
From TOM’N'ATR
Whoa, Chet, I see a red flag laying on the draft floor, thrown by Charlie “Deng” Feevah, branding manager at HEL. Looks like there’s an eligibility question over Jesus of Nazareth playing in the Human Experience League.
You know, Ozzie, I was wondering who and when that challenge would be made. I don’t think it’s sour grapes – Deng wouldn’t hold that in him – but he’s gotta be worried about how JesNa’s pick by the Lions will hit the bottom line on the Saint’s ticket and apparel sales, and then there’s the whole issue: Is he a man? Or is he a god?
Chet, no question sales would plummet to hell in a handbasket. I mean, the guy walks on water as far as I’m concerned – and you gotta have that when you’re playing at Heinz Field during the monsoon – but Deng’s got this one nailed. C’mon, this guy’s not human. Everybody know that.
God-like, O-man, God-like.
Well, Mary’s really screwed now, Chet. That bright star in the west she was following turned out to be a defective digital Starbuck’s billboard on the I-5 near Smokey Point. So who will the Rams take now that Jesus has been ruled ineligible?
Ron Popiel has to be at the top of their list, O. The guy slices and dices though a secondary like a razor cuts old zucchini. He’ll shred the D and you’ll see Ron Jeremy go limp on the long ball. Your thoughts?
Hmmm, tough call, Chet. George A. Custer looks good but I don’t like how the Rams match up against the Redskins with him. No, I’m going with Dr. Ruth instead. She knows the ins and outs of the game and she talks the talk like she walks the walk. If anybody can debunk Mary’s immaculate game plan, it’s Dr. Ruth.
Brilliant, O-man, brilliant.
From GAIRZO
As HELl Commisioner, I’m over-ruling Tom. If Tom wants to repick Dr. Ruth later in the draft, he can exercise that option. Jesus is officially off the board.
Good call’Zo! Jesus of Nazareth’s humanity is a given considering the torture he endured from his critics and the unprecedented way he triumphed over adversity. Has anyone ever resurrected a career like JesNa?. Guy was as good as dead, then…2000+ years. Christ, what do you want? The guys an iron man—and shows no signs of hanging up the halo…
10.) The tenth pick of the 2009 all-time-all universe draft, from the Bills, it’s, unbelievable Chet. The Buffalo Bills take free safety BUFFALO BILL!
Talk about the hometown boy making good–
–He was born in Iowa, Chet –
You know what I mean, Oz. Cody puts on a great show for the fans and it has to feel special getting drafted by the team named after you –
– You mean the team that pilfered your name for its corporate aggrandizement?
Good point, Ozzie. Could be a problem in merchandizing…
11.) With the 11th pick the San Francisco 49ers select nose tackle SIDDHARTHA GAUTAMA BUDDHA…
Listen to that crowd, Chet.
Ozzie, are they “booing?”
No, Chet, they’re “Buuuing”
So they don’t like the pick?
It’s a tribute to his greatness–forget it. Any event, looks like the 49ers have found their savior.
Sorry, Ozzie, the Buddha has no interest in being a savior. Stats tell the story. In his stellar career he has never made a tackle. Never had to. With his girth, he’s an immovable object in the middle.
But how will he increase the chances of taking his team to Super Bowl Nirvana–I mean you gotta make tackles, hit people in this league. Doesn’t he risk making the Niners a finesse team.
They’ll take that risk. While it’s true Buddha would never hit anyone on the field. he will meet running backs at the line of scrimmage and gently discusses the nature of existence until they stop running from life and begin to follow a path of moderation away from the extremes of self-indulgence and self-mortification.
You mean, he bores them to death?
A beautiful thing to behold.
Timeless, Oz. Even the refs don’t mess with perfection; won’t even throw a flag on him. One time they called him for planting a tree on an opponent’s logo. After about 49 days sitting under it, he became Enlightened and the refs picked the flag up.
They were Enlightened too?
Negatory, Ozzie, they were trying to get the Big Guy to hit the showers…
———-
4/19/2010
…Welcome everyone to the 2010 Edition of the ATAU Draft brought to you by The I-Paddle…Go ‘head, beat yourself up…
This is CHESTER HIPE and OZZIE NUTT “blog-casting” from a basement somewhere near Burbank, California. We’re on the net again this year trying to fill the remaining 21 spots on the ATAU Draft Board.
The rules are simple: The “GM”–that would be our readers–may choose anyone–dead or alive–for his or her team, but the selector must provide a rationale as to why the pick is necessary and/or explain what qualities the “player” brings to the table as found in our first 11 picks…
Right Chet, also, since this is the ALL TIME, ALL UNIVERSE DRAFT, there really is no specific order. Pick a team not named above or below and select the living dead, or altered state individual for one of the remaining teams in the NFL.
Now, without further ado…
12.) With the 12th pick in the 2010 All Time All Universe Draft our youngest GM, for the New England Patriots, ANNABELLE, picks the huge tight end from Sesame Street College, MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS…
Big pick, Ozzie His size makes him a stout blocker, and that fact that almost no one can see him makes him a beast on pass routes.
Controversial too, this guy sometimes takes plays off. One scout described him as too often invisible–
–But, he’s a crowd pleaser and great with kids…
From GAIRZO
13.) The 13th pick–unlucky 13–from the Pittsburgh Steelers lands them middle line backer from Death To U, THE GRIM REAPER…
Sorry, Ozzie, I don’t like it. Guy like TGR can kill a locker room–
– Awe, c’mon Chet, the guy has talent and he can really bring down the hammer–
–You mean, the scythe–
–That too. Obviously, the Steelers risk bringing down their whole team to send a message to wayward quarterback Big Ben Roethlisberger–live clean or–well, you know…
What message? Don’t go to a bar, you might get punked by some drunk coed? Don’t spend your money? TGR has produced at every level, always comes away a winner–
–Yeah, Oz Msn, but you gotta admit the guy is depressing and never has an encouraging word for anyone…
Well Chet at least he’s not a rapist…
Right now we’d like to bring in Tony Moss, esteemed NFL Editor/Senior Editor at The Sports Network.com. Tony writes a weekly column at TSN and his match-up analyses are must reading for any serious NFL fan.
All you TMoss…
14.) With the 14th pick in the ATAU draft, the Arizona Cardinals select quarterback NEIL DIAMOND…
Music to the ears of Cardinal fans, Chet. Might be a bit of a reach but TMoss wasn’t afraid to tell us the Red Birds are drafting for need.
Diamond definitely needs some polish, Oz, but he’s filled stadiums everywhere he’s played and has Roethlisberger-like command of offense. You ever listen to the lyrics of “Girl, You’ll be a Women Soon”?
Girl, you’ll be a woman soon
Please come take my hand
Girl, you’ll be a woman soon
Soon, you’ll need a man.
I’ve been misunderstood for all of my life
But what they’re sayin’, girl, just cuts like a knife
“The boy’s no good”
Ooh…
Ozzie? Are you blushing?
A classic panty dropper, Chet. Classic…And that voice…inspirational, sounds more like Hank Stram every time he opens his mouth.
To a man, his teammates agree there’s no one they’d rather hear calling signals…
Besides who else has the balls to wear a sequined jacket for the coin toss?
For the next pick…our readers…
12 Responses to “2010 All-Time, All-Universe Draft – NFL Football”
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MDog
says:
April 20th, 2010 at 9:09 pm
With the 15th pick, the Baltimore Ravens select…………….Middle Linebacker, The Bearded Lady, out of Barnum & Bailey University. A surprise pick!! Everyone knows the Ravens have a Huge Pussy at Middle Linebacker; however, the organization and community know the Bearded Lady’s Vagina will likely grow in time with repeated beat downs by the Steelers. Also, he/she has radical viewpoints on Christianity and promises to bring up Jesus at inappropriate times that have nothing to do with what’s happening. A bold pic!!
Nate Barlow
says:
April 21st, 2010 at 3:16 pm
15.) With the 15th pick, the Oakland Raiders select Defensive End Jeffrey Dahmer.
–Typical Raider pick, Oz?
–Right on, Chet. The guy is an absolute killer at his position, eating quarterbacks alive. But Oakland's been known to make some questionable picks over the years, not in terms of talent but in terms of player psyche. And this guy is as unstable as they get.
–Yes, folks, he's literally crazy. Let me repeat: literally crazy.
–There is good news, Chet.
–What's that, Ozzie?
–He'll fit right in with the rest of the Raiders team.
–That he will.
Gairzo
says:
April 21st, 2010 at 4:34 pm
Scouts say the "Dahminator" has a good head for the game, Chet.
–You mean "heads"–right Oz?
–Others say he can freeze an opponent with a hard glare
–No doubt, the man wont make many friends–even in the Black Hole…
…With the 16th pick in the HEL ATAU draft the New Orleans Saints select, from Paris Prep School for Martyrs— quarterback, JOAN OF ARC…
Holy shit, Chet! Talk about a born leader –
A warrior, Ozzie, and not afraid to jump feet first into the fire.
Question is …is she too young compete at this level?
All accounts say she’s got a burning desire to win and is willing to sacrifice everything for her teammates.
Well, lack of experience aside, Oz, I think we can all agree, she was destined to be a Saint.
Gairzo
says:
April 21st, 2010 at 5:08 pm
This guy's a freak, Chet, scares people just looking at her…
And don't forget as her snatch grows she'll get a lot more attention from Big Ben–and maybe that's why the Ravens took her…
Nate Barlow
says:
April 21st, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Rookie GM ANNABELLE chimes in again…
18.) With Da 18th pick, Da Bears take… out of Emerald City University, quarterback The Wizard of Oz!
–Any relation, Oz?
–I believe he's a distant cousin on my father's side, Chet. But he's no Wizard of Westwood…
–Wrong sport, Oz.
–I realize that. As I was saying, this is a very surprising selection. Da Bears must be seeing something in him that we're not, since I thought he would be a late second-rounder at best.
–The guy is a master of deception. His play fakes are things of beauty–he can fool entire nations with them.
–True, but the question with him has always been, does he have the brains and the heart to play at the next level.
–Big question indeed, and I'll guess we'll find out soon enough. One thing he does have is escapability. Never seen anybody make his wake out of the pocket quite like he does.
–Yes, but does he have the courage to stay in when he needs to?
Gairzo
says:
April 21st, 2010 at 11:33 pm
The guy's magic Chet..With an uncanny ability to make those around him better…
On the clock–wait we have another pick…
19.) With the 19th pick in the ATAU draft, the Seattle Seahawks select LSDU receiver TIMOTHY LEARY…
This guys was high on the Hawk's draft board, Chet.
Ozzie, he was high on everyone's board. People without a board–still up there. In fact, he was on his way up comin' out of college.
Plain and simple, the guy's on another planet–
–Definitely plays outta his mind–and just who the 'Hawks need to take them the next level, Chet…
You think Leary can get them to the Big Dance?
Don't know about that Chester. I do know he can take them on a journey to the center of their mind.–
–And once you get there, anything is possible.
Gairzo
says:
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:36 pm
20.) With the 20th selection, the New York Jets take nose tackle from Abbey Normal College, FRANKENSTEIN…
Hold on Ozzie, let's be clear…do they mean the Mary Shelley FRANKENSTEIN or the Mel Brooks FRONK N. STEEN?
Just got off the phone with Rex Ryan and Terry Bradway, it’s definitely Brooks’ Fronk N. Steen. The guy has loads more talent, stronger, bigger –
– Scary big —
– And well put together, size 17eee feet you could park a Beemer in his cleats–
–But not a cerebral guy, Oz —
– With his girth, he doesn’t have to be—
–Off field issues could be his undoing—
–You mean the birthday party?
–Who knew the candles would—
–Chester, let it rest, give the kid a chance for a fresh start.
Nate Barlow
says:
April 23rd, 2010 at 5:46 am
21.) With the 21st pick, the New York Football Giants select the middle linebacker out of I.D.U., Sigmund Freud…
–Wow, another choice that comes with a lot of emotional baggage, don't chat think, Oz?
–Well, Chet, Siggy does know how to mess with the quarterback's mind. Heck, he even gets into the head of the coaching staff.
–Safe to say that he's the type of a player that really changes a team's psychology.
–Yes, Chester, but there is that ego problem. At the combine they were saying he's got a super ego.
–Not good, Ozzie, not good.
GooTAR
says:
April 23rd, 2010 at 6:22 am
Good Contents You may be Like Utada Hikaru
Gairzo
says:
April 23rd, 2010 at 4:39 pm
Siggy the Freud….Scouts say he aced the Wonderlich test —
– He wrote the damn thing, Ozzie..
After his interview, couple GMs were seen coming outta the meeting with tears in their eyes.
He was that impressive?
Uh-uh, mother issues…
22.) With the 22nd selection in the Human Experience League 2010 Draft, the Miami Dolphins take Maritime University free safety FLIPPER!!!
You believe it Ozzie?
A team drowning in mediocrity finally gets their franchise player —
Well, not really, Oz, the real Flipper was actually a porpoise.
Not a Dolphin? I wonder if the Tuna knows.
He knows this kid loves to play, great balance, unreal backward step, good first move—definitely has a nose for the ball…. Coaches think he walks on water
Yeah, but, how fast do you think the ASPCA will accuse an opponent of animal cruelty?
Never, Chet, I’m sure Flip doesn’t want to be called a pussy –
-
– Or a porpoise.
–That isn’t their only problem, how many teams are going to visit Dolphin Stadium once they fill it with water?
Gairzo
says:
April 25th, 2010 at 8:35 pm
Well Chet, that does it for this years All Time, All Universe Draft.
The big winners besides, obviously the Texans who took Moses–a leader who will step right in, and the Rams who found a franchise savior in Jesus of Nazareth–were the 49ers who plucked Buddha with the number 11 pick. The guy has an inner peace that makes everyone on the field of life a better player. And the Seahawks will be flying a little higher with Tim Leary.
Don't forget the Steelers Chester, they made their always stout defense lethal with the addition of The Grim Reaper and their arch-rivals the Ravens , snatched this years version of the Freak with Barnum and Baileys' Bearded Lady.
How 'bout the losers Chet?
The rookie regime in New England made what I have to label a couple of reaches with Snufflelupagus and the Wizard of OZ, I mean they are unique talents, but they played in the Animation and Puppet Conference (APC), where, let's face it, the competition just isn't as fierce as it is in, let's say the Serial Killers and Marauders Conference, (SKMC)–what was Annabelle thinking.
Dude, she's 5 months old….
True, but she and her apparently senile father passed up Atilla the Hun and John Wayne Gacey!
Remember, Chet, the Pats do have Belichick.
I stand corrected, Oz, and New England may be fortunate the Bills and Fish selecting free safeties Buffalo Billl and Flipper, respectively, may need a couple more years to rebuild.
Meanwhile the Jets got a little bigger and a lot scarier with Mel Brooks’ Fronk N. Steen…
Rex Ryan better start taking some violin lessons.
Next years’ ATAU Draft will be in prime time with bonafide talent still on the board like Sasquatch and Mohammed –
– He’ll never show up, Chester –
He’ll show, he’s gotta be more pissed than a Lambeau Field urinal Jesus was taken second and he’s still on the board.
Way too many red flags…
True and there is still a wealth of talent remaining in the All Dictators and Despots Conference (ADDC)—Stalin, Mussolini, Pol Pot –
Think anyone will take a flier on Hitler, Chet??
Way too much baggage. Who’s gonna get behind this guy? He proven himself to be a lousy field general and he’s an anti-Semite—to put it mildly
Is that good enough reason to bypass one of the sickest players in history?
That and about 13 million other reasons, Ozzie.
Well, that does it from our end, see you next year as we make the last ten picks in the ATAU Draft. Until then, this is Ozzie Nutt and Chester Hipe, thanking you, and reminding you to…make the right choices!
Gairzo
says:
April 25th, 2010 at 6:49 pm
23.) With the final pick in the 2010 All Time All Universe Draft the Philadelphia Eagles select All-World nose tackle, THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT.
The G-Men gotta be pissed!
The Eagles taking a big chamce here, Chester?
Gargantuan, considering the guy has to line up 30 yards downfield to stay onside –
–But once he gets his hands on the ball carrier, he crushes people –
–Throws ‘em around like pea pods, Ozzie. J Double G shows good balance, with a monster first step, but sometimes seems frozen in the open field.
He won’t have to move much, just clog up the middle. Little known fact—the kid is an off-season gardener.
That could be a problem in the City of Brotherly Love, Ozzie…
That won’t be the Eagles’ only problem, Chester—where they gonna find a helmet big enough to cover his head?