Tiger Woods Masters 2010 – PGA Golf

Tiger Woods is back: the good, the bad and the ugly.

Welcome Back Tiger

Tiger Woods returned to the golf world last weekend in pursuit of a fifth green jacket after an extended self-imposed penance for being as prolific a man-whore as he is golfer.

His return engendered what can accurately be called a major hard-on in the punditocracy. Everybody had–still has–an opinion and of course only the person rendering the opinion is correct.

Evidently they haven’t seen any of mine:

On the Nike ad: Who did Tiger pay for this advice? Some young exec at Nike had to come up with the idea to use the voice of Tiger’s dead father to sort of wag a loving finger at his son while Tiger stares into space with a helpless, kind of blank look.

You can find the ad here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NTRvlrP2NU

Keep Tiger’s face in your mind’s eye and imagine this much more realistic voice over from Tiger: “Godammit, [blink], I just wanted some pussy. [blink]. C’mon Tiger, focus. [blink]. Look sad. [blink]. Man, that production assistant has a great ass. [blink].”

The ad’s audio was poorly edited, the concept shamefully cynical and just plain disrespectful to Earl Woods. In a sickeningly selfish way, it’s as if Tiger was blaming his behavior on his dad–for having the temerity to die.

On Billy Payne: You know the encrusted, old coot and Masters chairman who took Tiger to the wood shed with this verbal paddle:

“It’s not simply the degree of his conduct that is so egregious here. It is the fact he disappointed all of us and more importantly our kids and grandkids. Our hero did not live up to the expectations as a role model that we sought for our children.”

What a set of vocal ‘nads on this guy, huh? Here he is, the lily white imperial wizard of a golf club that doesn’t allow women and has accepted only half a handful black or brown people since its founding in 1933 publicly chastising its only multi-racial champion. No Masters chairman had previously commented upon any golfer’s off-course behavior.

What a dick!

While I agree that private clubs can allow the members they choose, Payne’s tin ear for history, social grace, and common sense gave one the impression that he wanted this response from Tiger: “Yassa, Massa Payne, I dooze agree I done serious wrong and promises to do good from heres on out, sa.”

Wouldn’t you like to hear Payne and his cronies talk about Tiger after a downing a few Jim Beams?

On how Tiger played: The only known effect too much sex might have on Tiger is making him fight the urge to light a Marlboro after holing a birdie. Woods still has the best skill set God has given any golfer, and, considering his four-month lay-off, he was obviously in superb physical shape. How Tiger’s psyche and legendary focus held up was the question that his erratic, yet sometimes brilliant play answered. Tiger didn’t win that green jacket, but two of Tiger’s favorite major courses–St. Andrews hosts The Open Championship and Pebble Beach the U.S. Open–are his for the taking. I wouldn’t bet against Tiger having another great year.

On the parsing of Tiger’s every answer, reaction, or expression: Count me in the group that finds Tiger’s on-course conniptions a little annoying. Perhaps his recent promises to control his emotional reactions painted the 14-time major champion into a corner. I’m betting it’s a promise he can’t keep.

I don’t think he should.

The media’s overanalyzing of Woods’s every show of on-course self-disgust and every answer to tough questions is more annoying than anything this generation’s best golfer has ever done.

Every shake of the head, every self-flagellating phrase of disgust was the subject of deep probing by pundits who think way too much of themselves. After yelling “Tiger, NO!” when he sliced one of his tee shots, Jim Nantz piped in about how Tiger was not keeping his promise.

Give the guy a break.

Tiger answered a Roger Maltbie question on the difficulty of controlling his emotion with this measured, straight, and honest response:

“I think people are making way too much of a big deal of this thing. I was not feeling good. I hit a big snipe off the first hole, and I don’t know how people can think I should be happy about that. I hit a wedge from 45 yards and basically bladed it over the green. These are not things I normally do. So I’m not going to be smiling, and not going to be happy.”

Amazes me. Many of these so-called experts once golfed the same tour as Woods, yet they seem oblivious to the mentality of an elite athlete.

Peyton Manning believes every pass he throws should be completed. Albert Pujols believes every swing should produce a home run. Tiger Woods believes every drive should land 300 yards down the middle and every 15-foot putt should drop into the cup.

He’s allowed to appropriately express his emotions when his efforts fall short.

Thanks Tiger

Lost in all the salacious revelations and public flogging I noticed nobody has thanked Tiger. So I want to be the one to show Tiger my gratitude for several gifts he was kind enough to give us beginning last Thanksgiving night. Thank you Tiger…

• For showing us you are human just like us–and arrogant, entitled and oblivious to reality like far too many professional athletes. (And Tiger, I won’t be surprised if you’re injecting gallons of HGH.)
• Thank you for preferring the tattooed, pole-dancing porn stars over the church-going, faithful prudish, and exquisitely beautiful super models. I thought I was the only one.
• Celebrities around the world thank you for giving them a blueprint on how not to handle a sex-scandal.
• Thank you for giving golf a much-needed shot of adrenaline. We can only hope your fellow professionals and the media will stop recoronating you after every great shot and pray that one or two of them will match you shot for shot in every tournament you ever play.

I hope you have to scratch, claw, and cry your way to your next five major victories.