Pittsburgh Steelers Terrible Towel – NFL Football
Saturday, January 30, 2010 0:13
The Pittsburgh Steelers have the Terrible Towel; let’s create unique rally items for the other NFL franchises.
SUPER BOWL LIMBO
Not much for loyal NFL fanatics to do during the two-week lull between the conference championships and the Super Bowl. It’s kind of like a drawn-out version of the moment just before you realize someone will see you naked for the first time:
The Big Moment is almost there, and you hope it won’t be a let-down like so many before. You’re hoping she doesn’t notice the mole on your ass (and doesn’t have one herself) or mind that girlish scream you render when you accidentally roll over on her kitty. If she does, you pray she has a sense of humor–and the class not to point when she laughs.
When I am searching for a column idea, I look for an event or people or conflict I can get angry about. Anger is one of my favorite motivators as a writer, and I most recently found a muse via a photo taken at this year’s AFC Championship game.
CONTEMPTABLE COPYCATS
People have no respect for anything sacred and even less short-term memory.
An intrepid Pittsburgh fan (a truly rare breed) discovered a Colts fan waving a Terrible Towel at Sunday’s AFC Championship game in Colts’ colors–a white towel with blue lettering!!! The only link I could find to the photo resides on the subscription part of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette’s web site.
For the story behind the iconic Steeler symbol, go to: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08059/861098-66.stm
As a Pittsburgh native, I am sick of these repeated, blatant rip-offs of the Official Flag and symbol of Steeler Nation.
Lendale White and Keith Bullock fell over themselves apologizing for stomping on the Towel during a late season rout of the Steelers in ‘08. They know first hand such bald-faced disrespect irrevocably curses the city, team and individual offenders to a lifetime of suffering–until proper amends are made.
However, we are talking about Indianapolis; isn’t that enough of a curse?
Besides, a more positive outlook might interpret the Indy fan’s gesture as a homage to a venerable NFL institution. Since the Towel in question was a replica of the original in Colts’ colors, we will accept that interpretation and therefore not proclaim the Colts as officially cursed to lose Super Bowl XLV.
The only solution to this stinking thievery is to give uncreative teams and their doltish fans some suggestions for their own fan friendly gimmicks.
Our criteria is simple: the items must be small enough for fans to carry or wear, and they must stimulate marketing gurus to exert their magic and generate more money for starving NFL owners.
Please note: Like the Terrible Towel, these rally items can be expected to exude magical qualities–if indeed, they exude any at all–only during play-off games.
We’ll start with five teams, beginning with one from the AFC North…
BALTIMORE RAVENS
Rat Birds are basically disgusting scavengers that feast on rotting road kill. Their fans, I’ve heard, relish this nastier side of the team’s mascot and might find this cheer toy especially apropos:
THE REPELLENT PELTS
What makes The Pelts most appealing? They are real–at least, during he playoffs, when road kill Pelts from the opponent’s city are flown in for Ravens’ fans to twirl. If mass production is necessary, Pelts can be manufactured in beef/chicken processing plants to insure they retain the authentic aroma Ravens and their fans demand. A possible bonus might find some Pelts still with meat on them… then Baltimore fans can go home–after the Steelers destroy them–and make a nice wholesome soup.
Beware the fur, guys.
MIAMI DOLPHINS
Fish fans routinely endure ridicule because their team is named after a lovable, docile, cute, and apparently intelligent mammal. There really is no way to portray a dolphin as a menacing creature. Putting a football helmet on the logo Dolphin only ups the snicker factor. We hope Dolphin fans will appreciate the nostalgia these rally toys embody:
THE FACETIOUS FLIPPERS
These lovely items, of course, can’t be real. Green Peacers would crap tug- boats. However, they can be razor sharp so the opponents’ most annoying fans can be filleted and/or, barring that option, The Facetious Flippers would come with a talking doll-like pull-string.
After a Miami touchdown fans would pull their strings and the Flippers would elicit the “fingernails-on-chalkboard” racket–half cackle, half screech (scrackle?)–we all remember from those Sea World commercials.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
There is only one item appropriate for a franchise with a lightening bolt logo–and steroid addicted cops who arrest other teams’ fans…
THE TASMANIAN TASERS
When Norv Turner makes yet another coaching blunder, Bolt fans can Taze themselves into a stupor.
The Tasers are also perfect for real fanatics who use allegiance to an NFL team as an excuse to abuse alcohol, making game day miserable for the prickish fans who call cops when cops aren’t needed. These fans can Taze each other in the stands when someone curses and leave the cops out of things.
Seriously, if you’re worried about your kid hearing the F-Bomb at a football game, you are a neurotic tight-ass raising a pussy. Here are your tax dollars at work in San Diego:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJqd_5fC7ZI&annotation_id=annotation_916703&feature=iv
And if you don’t think punk cops act like legalized gangs, check out this little dance outside Lucas Oil Stadium (tell your kid to leave the room): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsGnH-YhzzI&feature=related
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
We will take a feature of the Raiders’ current logo and offer every Buc fan…
THE ODIOUS EYE PATCH
Celebrating fans can twirl them as a rally gesture or, if the Bucs continue to suck as they so often do, fans can use two Patches to cover their eyes so they don’t have to watch what passes for professional football in Tampa.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
The team takes its name from the 1849 gold rush and the swindlers who stepped on unsuspecting prospectors to become trailblazers for our modern corporatocracy.
Upon entering the stadium, each fan will be given a metal headband. Attached by a string to each side of the three-inch wide band, right above the ears are:
THE NOISY NUGGETS
Just like the Ravens fans’ recently road-killed Repellent Pelts, Noisy Nuggets will be real–real gold for all play-off games–and will easily identify any true San Francisco football fanatic.
The Niners’ faithful will thrill to the one of a kind rally sound made by 80,000 fans maniacally shaking their heads.
The collective, clacking from the gold nuggets smacking against the metal head-bands will be similar to the annoying click-clacks emanating from those “Balance Balls” sometimes found on an elder hippies’ desks.
Prototype research has shown the decibel level might be loud enough to drive opponents criminally insane, or, at the least, irritate the hell out of them.
YOUR TURN
Well, we started you with five.
What kind of rally toys can you come up with for the other 25 NFL teams?
2 Responses to “Pittsburgh Steelers Terrible Towel – NFL Football”
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Nate Barlow
says:
January 30th, 2010 at 5:07 pm
We should eliminate those teams that already have truly unique rallying items. After all, the Packers do have their Cheese Heads.
Here are a couple…
Seattle Seahawks
Seattle's most famous company should pony up and sponsor:
The Star Bucks
To be waved wildly or make it rain, Star Bucks are handed out whenever the team wins or a fan buys a ridiculously overpriced coffee drink. When the team loses or makes a bad deal, they are taken away.
Oakland Raiders
Really, this team's fans doesn't need anything, what with their ridiculous costumes and behavior, however, there should be:
The Davis Dummies
To be burned in effigy whenever the Silver And Black's senile owner makes another franchise-crushing decision.
(NB: There is no positive situation in which the Davis Dummy is used, since, well, no positives can be seen coming out of Oakland as long Member's Only Al is in charge.)
Procrastinate on This! [Friday Edition] - Fierce and Nerdy says:
February 9th, 2010 at 10:26 am
[...] 4. Apparently, other teams are trying to copy the “Terrible Towel.” I don’t even have the words to express how utterly worng that is. [Deep Into Sports] [...]