Christmas Gifts for Athletes

Sorry I’m late. I just chased some intruder in a red velour outfit off of the roof! He escaped in a huge sled driven by what looked like jackasses with antlers. I just missed catching him because the ice made our roof slippery -

Oh, hi honey… Say hello to my readers… What’s that?

Of course, I know we live in Southern California…

Okay, maybe I had one too many vodka tonics…I might’ve slipped on my own… Thanks for clearing that up, dear… Now–

–Do I know what time of year–what kind of question is–Pardon me…

… Well, um, yes one of the–reindeer, is it?–did have a nose that glowed.

Who? Santa? As in Claus? OMG, he did say, “And to all a good night!”

Geez, I thought the fat bastard was being a wise ass!… Now, sweetheart, there’s no need to call me an id–

–I don’t know what I was thinking. It must’ve slipped my mind, babe… Without snow, sometimes you forget it’s Christmas… It was 80 degrees in So Cal today… Hey, wait a minute, Miss Know-It-All, it’s not Christmas until Friday, the 25th–AHAAAAAAA!

Excuse me, snookums… Say again… As a matter of fact, this Santa did leave something on our roof… The red velour bag he put–I thought he put–our stuff in…

Yes, MY LOVE, perhaps I should look inside… it’s a bunch of gifts, wrapped really pretty… Wait, there’s a note…

Out loud?… It says “Dear Idiot–

No, POOKY, I’m not as sure as you are he was referring to me… ahem…

“Dear Idiot, distribute these gifts to the athletes as marked on the card–sounds like a great idea for a column. Consider that my gift to you…”

What? So now I’m an elf?

You think he’ll forgive me for the “fat bastard” crack?…

Okay, PUMPKIN, you made your point…Can I start writing now?

Geez… Let’s open these up…

To Tiger Woods:

Dear Eldrick, you’ve been a very naughty Ho! Ho! Ho! Please use this money to hire an assistant to make calls for you using a phony company name. Make sure he gets along with the sycophant who picks up women in bars for you… “Excuse me, Tiger Woods would like to buy you a drink.”

That’s pathetic, Eldrick.

To The Cincinnati Bengal Offensive Line:

Hi Fellas, These giant paddles are to be used on the “chump ass” of Chad Ochocinco. That selfish son of a bitch has managed to make the unfortunate death of a teammate who had turned his life around all about Chad. You see guys, Ocho wants to wear Chris Henry’s uni during Sunday’s game. Not only does this take his perverse narcissism to Olympian heights–it’s also reallllllly creepy.

85 whacks each, please–like you mean it!

To Bobby Knight:

Bobby, Please accept this huge box of Cubans and case of Hanky Bannister 40 year old Scotch whiskey. Me and the Elves didn’t agree with everything you’ve said or done over the years, but your recent comments on John Calipari and “the system” were refreshing–and should embarrass the NCAA.

To Danica Patrick:

Ms. Patrick, please accept this certificate for ANY DAMN THING YOU WANT! Please don’t let Mrs. Claus find evidence of the gift me and the boys feel compelled to offer because you said this…

So I get in the car and I have to tuck my hair down the back of the suit and I can’t do it because I am strapped in and I am just awfully confused, so I decided I needed everything on but my helmet and then get in the car.

It sounds silly, right? It’s logistics, but they’re logistics I am not used to. I am used to being fully dressed and then getting in the car.”

We really don’t care if you are aware of the sexual innuendo laced throughout that quote–either way, it’s sooooo hot.

To Susan Finklestein:

For all you good little boys and girls who don’t know who Susan Finklestein is, here’s a link:

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/21134540/vp/34485654#34463299

We hope you enjoy the Phillies’ season tickets, Suze…

To the Cop who arrested her:

You get a box of coal filled donuts and day old coffee grounds from Starbuck’s. Seriously, don’t you have real crimes to investigate, tickets to write and teenagers to hassle?

If not, we’ve arranged a cross-state transfer to Pittsburgh. Every fan who pays money to watch the Pirates play baseball gets F%#KED 81 times a year.

We’ll finish giving out Christmas gifts next week…

WEEK 15 PICKS & TRIFECTA

As I write this the Cowboys, coached by the Pillsbury Dough Boy and owned by the guy who pokes him in the tummy are leading the suddenly human Saints by a halftime score of 17-3.

I lost the Thursday nighter by a point and will enter Sunday’s slate 0-2 for the week–unless the Saints get canonized with a miracle.

After last week I’m spitting quicksand at 104-100-4.

SUCKERS BET OF THE WEEK

Chris Henry’s passing might galvanize or fracture the Ohio Cats. There really is no way to tell. Give the Bengals your condolences and good thoughts–as do we at DIS–and don’t bet on them or the Chargers.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

Houston is looking for a play-off berth.

The Rams have been snake-bit the entire season: front office turmoil, endless injuries, and last week, the swine flu.

Next up–chronic depression.

UPSET SPECIAL

I’ve been riding the force of Darth Singletary all year. I like everything about the guy and believe the Gold Rushers will stay within a field goal, if not snatch victory from the beaks of the Eagles.

As always, the weekly lines I use are found here: www.footballlocks.com/nfl_lines.shtml

My picks are in bold italics below:

NFL Lines For Week 15 – 12/19 – 12/21, 2009

Date & Time	Favorite	Line	Underdog
12/19 8:20 ET	At New Orleans	-7.5	Dallas
12/20 4:15 ET	At Pittsburgh	-2	Green Bay
12/20 1:00 ET	At Tennessee	-3.5	Miami
12/20 1:00 ET	New England	-7	At Buffalo
12/20 1:00 ET	Arizona	-12.5	At Detroit
12/20 1:00 ET	At Philadelphia	-7.5	San Francisco
12/20 1:00 ET	At NY Jets	-4.5	Atlanta
12/20 4:15 ET	At Baltimore	-11	Chicago
12/20 1:00 ET	At Kansas City	-2	Cleveland
12/20 1:00 ET	Houston	-13.5	At St. Louis
12/20 4:05 ET	At San Diego	-7	Cincinnati
12/20 4:05 ET	At Denver	-14	Oakland
12/20 4:15 ET	At Seattle	-6.5	Tampa Bay
12/20 8:20 ET	Minnesota	-9	At Carolina

Monday Night Football Line

12/21 8:35 ET

NY Giants

-3

At Washington

• January 1, 2010 -- Week 17 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (4)
• December 25, 2009 -- Week 16 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (1)
• December 12, 2009 -- Week 14 Picks And Analysis (1)
• December 5, 2009 -- NFL Week 13 Picks and Analysis (0)
• November 28, 2009 -- NFL Week 12 Picks and Analysis (0)