Week 14 Picks And Analysis

THERAPY WEEKEND

After my Steelers lost to the Browns, I had to undertake emergency therapy or risk sinking into a suck hole of apathy and depression.

The consequences would be significant if I were to succumb…

• I wouldn’t write this column.
• I would cease bugging my wife for sex.
• I would spend less time watching football and more time working.

My heartless therapist was quick to remind me that if those things were to happen I would receive far fewer complaints than I imagined and suggested I begin my recovery by writing a sort of counterintuitive rant. In fact, she has insisted our current session be included in this column–it was either that or a cocktail of psychotropic drugs.

(I have a feeling I should take the cocktail…)

Her dialogue is in bold italics.

So, ahem, here goes… The Steelers should have won every game they lost -

Uh, uh, uh… That was not what we agreed you needed to say.

… The Steelers s-s-stepped into the dark canyon of -

Please don’t try to be profound or poetic, you’re no good at either.

Geez, what a bitch… (deep breath)… The Steelers s-s-s-s-start their comeback next week -

Look, you’re paying me 400.00 an hour. Take your time…

Four hundred an–(Concentrate)… The Steelers s-s-s-s-s-s-still might have a chance to make the play–

STOP! I thought you were ready. Perhaps some tough love is in order. Should we tell your readers about the Halloween you dressed like a hooker and sexually fantasized about the lead singer for -

JOAN JETT! It was Joan Jett!

Correct me if I’m wrong but Joan Jett never sang lead for -

… The Steelers s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-

Triumph-or maybe it was-

THE STEELERS S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-SUCK!!!

Joan Jett–if you have something else to say -

OKAY, FINE! THE STEELERS SUCK AND SWALLOW. THEY BLEW TWO LEADS AGAINST A DIVISION OPPENT, MISSED TWO EASY FIELD GOALS IN CHICAGO, DROPPED TWO WALK-OFF INTERCEPTIONS, AND LET THE THREE WORST TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE BEAT THEM IN THE SECOND HALF!!!!!!!!!!! THERE, YOU HAPPY?

… Oh, God, it’s true… The burden has been lifted… No more delusions, no more anger… I feel so wonderful… So free…

Yes…

Good teams finish the game against teams they should beat. Good teams block, tackle and execute consistently well. Good teams adjust to the conditions and the opponent and find ways to win when the enemy makes mistakes.

Yes… Yes…

To call the Steelers ordinary is an insult to ordinary teams; in fact the Steeler are playing the worst football in the league.

Don’t stop now…

Eric Mangini and Rob Ryan deserve props for taking the game to Pittsburgh. One-on-one coverage most of the night and I don’t recall a play when any receiver was open or was able to get open before Big Ben was clocked in the chest. As much as the Steelers lost the game, the Browns won it… I’m sorry… You won’t believe the load lifted off my… Oh, my Gawddddddddd… -

Here, have a Kleenex… Yes, Gary, I do know. I admire your courage. That’s it, let it out. Five weeks of delusion and anger, and unrequited love. I’m touched… I think my work is done here… Let it all out… I’ll send you a bill… B’ Bye…

B-b-b-bye, remember, (sniff, sniff), it was only 14 minutes…

… (Sniff)…

Good, the hag is gone! The truth is, if the Black and Gold win out, Jacksonville loses one–or Denver two–the Steelers are in the playoffs. I mean… probably.

You don’t think I’m that much of a fanatic to actually research playoff scenarios with four weeks to go in the season…

Do you?

PICKING UP THE PIECES

Speaking of ordinary, an 8-8 week keeps The Gairzo a paltry two games over .500 at 96-92-4. Note: My numbers were off; I was short two games; 96-92-4 is the correct tally. When you figure in the bookie juice, you would have lost only a few dinero if you had religiously followed my picks.

WEEKLY TRIFECTA

Significant cash, however, could have been won on my specialty picks. I had intended to include the Thursday night tilts in my Specials, then decided not to.

My overall tally on the Trifecta is 29-9-1.

All my numbers add up, so lets try to have a big week…

SUCKERS BET OF THE WEEK

I am picking Green Bay to handle Chicago, but several factors make it a true suckers’ bet: a division game between the two oldest rivals in the league, but if you throw the record books out the window, they might freeze, then shatter when they hit the ground. Green Bay wins the games it should, but faltered against Tampa Bay and could do so against Da Bears. Enjoy it with your hands in your pocket… holding your money.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

Even the ‘08 Pats weren’t playing with the drive, the skill, and the will that we’re seeing in The Big Easy this year. The most impressive thing about this Saints team is how they are embracing the possibility of perfection. They are, to a man, saying we’re goin’ for it. It might backfire, but it’ll be great to see either way.

What their approach does is take the drama out of the games they will play. Contrast that with the almost annual wrangling in Indy over who will play if they clinch too early, or how Peyton will feel…

Shut the hell up and be professional. You step out onto the field, you play every moment of every game like you are a champion or yearn to be one. Look for New Orleans to barbecue up some Falcon for Sunday dinner.

UPSET SPECIAL

Must be a lot of Texas money carrying the Cowboys because the Bolts have won seven in a row. The Cowboys have played 41 games in December in the New Millennium and won but 15. Why are they favored in this game–even if their late season record was respectable? Take The Bolts and the points.

As always, the weekly lines I use are found here: www.footballlocks.com/nfl_lines.shtml

My picks are in bold italics below:

NFL Lines For Week 14 – 12/13 – 12/14, 2009

Date & Time	Favorite	Line	Underdog
12/13 1:00 ET	At Indianapolis	-7	Denver
12/13 1:00 ET	At Minnesota	-6.5	Cincinnati
12/13 1:00 ET	NY Jets	-3	At Tampa Bay
12/13 1:00 ET	Buffalo	-1	At Kansas City
12/13 1:00 ET	Green Bay	-4	At Chicago
12/13 1:00 ET	New Orleans	-10	At Atlanta
12/13 1:00 ET	At Baltimore	-13.5	Detroit
12/13 1:00 ET	At Jacksonville	-2.5	Miami
12/13 1:00 ET	At New England	-13	Carolina
12/13 1:00 ET	At Houston	-6.5	Seattle
12/13 4:05 ET	At Tennessee	-13	St. Louis
12/13 4:05 ET	Washington	-1	At Oakland
12/13 4:15 ET	At Dallas	-3	San Diego
12/13 8:20 ET	Philadelphia	-1	At NY Giants

Monday Night Football Line

12/14 8:35 ET

Arizona

-3.5

At San Francisco

• January 1, 2010 -- Week 17 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (4)
• December 25, 2009 -- Week 16 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (1)
• December 20, 2009 -- Christmas Gifts for Athletes (3)
• December 5, 2009 -- NFL Week 13 Picks and Analysis (0)
• November 28, 2009 -- NFL Week 12 Picks and Analysis (0)