Here’s Your Thanks Right Here

Yes, it is the time of year we give thanks for our health, our wonderful, peaceful, functional, families, our united, principled, incorruptible representatives, reality shows, and the BCS.

I thought it might be appropriate to give thanks for the:

Top Eight Sports Items I Would Be Thankful For–If There Was A God:

(In case you are wondering, doing a Top Ten would be cliché’ and make me have to work much harder than I need to.)

If there was a God, I would be thankful for…

8.) Immortality being conferred upon Al Davis, BUT, he could never change his tracksuit. That would mean Uncle Al and the Raidas would forever stink.

7.) Any coach who answers the question “What were you thinking when…” with, “Well Susie, I was thinking I better remember what I’m thinking because some insightful reporter is gonna ask ‘What were you thinking.’ But, wouldn’t you know I forgot what I was really thinking and I don’t feel like exerting myself to make something up.”

6.) MLB banning instant replay to insure more bad calls–and making it mandatory for umpires to stop working out. Remember the good old days when obese umps’ neck veins would pop during a heated argument? (Hey, if you’re a Pirate fan, you need extra incentive to attend games–even in beautiful PNC Park.)

5.) Just once seeing Tiger Woods shank an approach so badly it slices, landing five yards behind him, then watching him turn to his caddy and blurt out the most often asked five word question in golf–at least on the courses I play–”What the F%#K was that?!”

4.) The PBA–that’s the Professional Bowlers Tour–selling a reality show to ESPN. Here’s the pitch: “Take five physically-fit twenty-somethings, force them to smoke no filter Camels, eat bowling-lane pizza and drink Colt .45 during “spring training” and watch them blossom into hacking, belching rednecks who look like they are fifty. Whoever ends up with the highest cholesterol and lowest life expectancy gets a shot at joining the PBA tour. If he makes it, the new pro bowler must immediately lose all the weight, quit smoking and attend AA–cold turkey. It’s like FANTASY CAMP meets THE BIGGEST LOSER. We call it OUT OF THE GUTTER, INTO THE FAST LANE…”

3.) A law to stop calling activities that require no athletic ability a “sport”:

Football = Sport requiring speed quickness, agility, and power.

Poker = card game requiring focus, whiskey and no discernible movement. A deaf, mute, quadriplegic, bi-polar, blind, hermaphrodite could become a poker champion.

Basketball = Sport requiring quickness, strength, and coordination.

Bass Fishing? Mmmm… Leave at 6:00am and hope the local lake, river, or stream is stocked. Open a beer, until a fish slightly bends your rod downward. Reel fish in. Repeat process until lunchtime. If no fish bite, open beer, repeat until dinner. (Any activity requiring a T-shirt with a pocket can never be called a sport.)

2.) A ban of all grunting, screeching, yelling, groaning, etc. in tennis. It used to be hot when Chrissie Evert started her girlish moaning. Guys watched through their “everything is about sex” glasses. Then every one started to do it–EVEN THE MEN! The once hot sexual fantasy has been supplanted by the morbid curiosity of waiting for something gross to happen.

1.) Making every hockey fan who pounds the glass like a bad ass fight the opposing teams goon. Watching some fat, drunken, saps get their asses kicked by a toothless Canuck would be more compelling than most hockey fights.

TURKEY-FECTA

The NFL’s late season love affair with Thursday Nights forces me to actually put forth considerable effort posting some picks before the usual Sunday and Monday tilts.

Geez, what I do for you guys…

Jim Schwarz impresses me as a coach. His team plays tough. With 11 points, at home and the Packers a division foe, all things point to an upset–except Stafford has a separated left shoulder and Aaron Rodgers is climbing to elite QB heights. I should pick Green Bay, but after watching this–http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-films-sound-efx/09000d5d8147c551/Sound-FX-Matthew-Stafford-mic-d-up–I am breaking my own rules and picking the Lions because Matthew Stafford is going to be a great one.

UPSET SPECIAL

Dallas hosts Oakland in a contest between two of my most hated franchises in sports. I can’t pick the ‘Boys giving 13.5 to any other team. The Raidas showed last week they only need a mediocre offense to be competitive. Take the points and bet the house.

AFTER DINNER

The Giants should be able to run on the smallish Broncos who have been exposed by the Steelers, Redskins, and Bolts. Denver seldom loses being a home dog in consecutive weeks. They might cover but we think the Giants go back to the Apple with a “W”.

As always, the weekly lines I use are found here: www.footballlocks.com/nfl_lines.shtml

My picks are in bold italics below:

NFL Lines For Week 12 – NFL Line 11/26/2009

I’ll post the rest of my picks before Sunday’s kickoff, until then be thankful for what you have–even if you don’t deserve it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

• January 1, 2010 -- Week 17 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (4)
• December 25, 2009 -- Week 16 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (1)
• December 20, 2009 -- Christmas Gifts for Athletes (3)
• December 12, 2009 -- Week 14 Picks And Analysis (1)
• December 5, 2009 -- NFL Week 13 Picks and Analysis (0)