NFL Week 5 Picks

NFL WEEK 5 PICKS AND ANALYSIS

I was rereading my week four drivel and was really impressed with how astute, knowledgeable, and confident my words were. I’d like to believe I know what I’m talking about.

I’d also like to believe Eva Longoria thinks I’m hot.

Obviously, I was abducted by lizard-like inner earth beings and was, for NFL week four, anyway, impersonated by some creature who had his head so far up his ass he could snort coke off his spleen.

Here’s what this imposter wrote about the Oakland/Houston game played in the great state of Texas:

Take Oakland and the 9.5 points. Houston couldn’t stop the run in a discarded pair of nylons. Look for Daren McFadden to have a breakout game and the Raiders to score at least three touchdowns. Of course, that can happen only if JaMarcus Russell throws the ball better than my grandma, who has been dead for 30 years. I’m betting J-Marc can–Grandma always had bad mechanics.

Final score Texans 29 – Raidas 6. Grandma vindicated.

Loyal readers–if I have any left–have probably already noticed I write these weekly pick columns without my friend and black-sheep cousin of Michele Nostradamus, Murray Dunnosquattis. Murray and I had a falling out after he predicted Brett Favre would end up in Minnesota, the Titans would lose their first four tilts of the season, and the Steelers would squander two, almost three late leads because their defense couldn’t make a third down stop in the fourth quarter.

Murray is obviously delusional–and needs mass quantities of Thorazine.

Your humble columnist may need a similar prescription if he has any more 3-11 weeks picking against the Vegas line.

I LOVE RAY LEWIS

Four words I never thought I’d write.

Mr. Lewis joins Jack Lambert in my pantheon of favorite players who call quarterbacks and league honchos out for flagging defenders for cheap roughing calls–because they fall into, near, or around “elite” QBs dainty little legs–or on DBs who blast their shoulder pads into a wide receiver’s chest.

Tom Brady? If you want to know what a vagina looks like in a football helmet, check out Tommy Girl on this week’s highlight shows.

Before my legion of female readers decry my use of their collective genitals for descriptive purposes…I’m sorry, ladies, but you know what they say:

“If the Tampon fits…”

In fairness to Roger Goodell and the NFL brainless trust, I understand why they don’t want their highest paid, and most important players vulnerable to late hits. I totally agree the concern for quarterbacks is legitimate, but the NFL has to temper its zeal to protect the quarterback and “defenseless receivers.”

Is it unreasonable to ask that refs enforce the rules with some kind of common sense?

In neither roughing penalty against the Black Birds was there even a semblance of intent by the Baltimore player. The “blow to the head” was more like a brush of a finger. Little Tommy threw a fit when a Raven fell into him and nicked his fragile legs. He pouted for a flag; the ref threw one.

It is not fair to the game or to the defenders who are busting their nuts to make a play. “He’s a man…” Mr. Lewis, referring to Brady, reminded Roger and the fans. I love you Ray, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

The most egregious flag of the weekend was thrown on KC’s Jarrod Paige for an absolute textbook tackle on Giant’s receiver, Steve Smith. If I’m Todd Haley, I tell my player, I’m paying that fine and everyone you get for a shoulder to the chest hit. It was a beautifully executed tackle.

If the NFL wants to stop helmet-to-helmet contact, they should ban helmets. Instead they spend millions of dollars to research how to make helmets more protective. Until that ends, players will use their heads to tackle. Jarrad Page did not use his head and he still got flagged.

I bet if he were Troy Polamalu, or Ed Reed, that flag stays in the refs’ pocket.

And the pussification of American football continues…

TOEING THE LINE

With the horrific 3-11 tally for week 4, The Gairzo is sucking quicksand at 30 – 32 for the season. Let’s see if he can turn around in a week five brimming with great match-ups.

First of all, let’s lay it on the table; there are some terrible teams in the NFL. Detroit and Oakland will be paying for a decade of bad draft picks and too many high round busts for at least a few more years. Kansas City and Tampa Bay are young and play in the purgatory from which the 49ers extricated themselves with the miracles St. Mike of Chicago has worked. Cleveland, Cincinnati and Buffalo have given the impression they are about to turn the corner only to run into a brick wall built by bad development, ineffective coaching, lack of discipline, and plain bad luck. The Rams reflect the directionless turmoil their owners wallow in.

There are common threads to building consistently successful football teams. The formula for success is obvious. What do New York, Philadelphia, Indy, New Orleans, Pittsburgh, Green Bay, and the Pats have in common? Ownership hired a young coach, predominantly from the defensive side of the ball, then went sailing, golfing, or poloing, or whatever filthy rich people do–and left football to the people who know the game.

Look at the improvement by teams like the Niners, Saints, Bengals, and Da Bears. Their owners have stuck with their head coaches through down times, like the Rooneys did with Cowher and the Titans have with Fisher. Ken Whisenhut in Arizona has to deal with a young, over-achieving team that got hot last year but won’t be sneaking up on anyone in ‘09. We shall see if the Bidwells learned the lesson.

Conversely, look at awful teams like the Lions, Browns, Rams, and Oakland. More often than not, teams suck over a long period because ego-driven owners think they know best. The Dallas Cowboys, on paper, are the most talented football team on the planet. They have it all–the biggest and best stadium, practice facilities, and cheerleaders’ plastic surgeons. Dallas is also where desperate coaches voluntarily stuff themselves into the human meat grinder known as Jerry Jones. I wish Mister Jones all the luck in the world and I hope he continues believing his sweet delusion. I’d love nothing more than to see another 13 years pass without a Dallas play-off victory.

THE WEEKLY TRIFECTA

I’m taking credit for last week’s suckers bet even though I picked Green Bay. Remember, that pick is my bet to stay away from. In the event of a blowout or a very lopsided score and I pick the wrong team, I’ll take the loss. Otherwise, I reserve the right to pad my Trifecta stats-which now stand at 9-12.

THE UPSET OF THE WEEK

The Bengals may be ready to tear down their brick wall this year, and, as predicted, the Ravens’ defense has regressed a couple of notches. Look for Carson Palmer to out-duel Flacco in a shootout. With the Cats getting 8.5 points, this is a pretty safe bet.

THE LOCK OF THE WEEK

If the Steelers can’t whip Detroit by two touchdowns, something is very, very, wrong in the sports world. A Detroit team that has shown signs of competitive life this year will be without promising QB Matthew Stafford and wide-out Calvin Johnson. Bet the house, cars, children, and dog.

THE SUCKERS BET OF THE WEEK

The Bronos are out to prove they are for real. Rumor has it Tom Brady will play in a tutu. Either way New England is an elite team and the Broncs want to be. This one will be close and may take a mile-high field goal to decide. Don’t miss it–and don’t bet on it.

As always, the weekly lines I use are found here: http://www.footballlocks.com/nfl_lines.shtml

My picks are in bold italics below:

NFL Lines For Week 5 – 10/11 – 10/12, 2009

Monday Night Football Line

Bye Weeks: Chicago, Green Bay, New Orleans, San Diego

• January 1, 2010 -- Week 17 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (4)
• December 25, 2009 -- Week 16 Picks and Analysis – NFL Football (1)
• December 20, 2009 -- Christmas Gifts for Athletes (3)
• December 12, 2009 -- Week 14 Picks And Analysis (1)
• December 5, 2009 -- NFL Week 13 Picks and Analysis (0)