NFL 2009 – MD in Da House
Monday, September 7, 2009 21:41
Hooked up with my friend, Murray Dunnosquattis–cousin of famous seer and soothsayer, Michel Nostradamus–over cocktails at Timmy Nolan’s, to record his divinations on the upcoming NFL season.
When I arrived, MD was pretty much shit-faced and cupping the rosy cheeks of a hot waitress, looking her straight in the eye: “You will have a birthday within the year.”
He said it with the conviction of a deluded “birther”
I was in awe, yet, the young beauty didn’t seem all that impressed.
Women… enigmas with superior minds, surrounded by the puzzle of the vagina adorned with the conundrum of breasts.
Hopefully, the 2009 NFL season will be easier to figure out.
THE NFC
MD remains convinced the National Football Conference is more balanced than the American, which is his nice way of saying there is a finer line between Detroit’s Lions and New York’s Giants than the competitive distance between Cleveland and Pittsburgh. Any NFC team will be an underdog against the AFC’s Steelers, Pats, or Titans in the Super Bowl.
MD argues any NFC East Beast would run away with the other divisions in that conference. In fact, there are really only three quality NFC teams outside the East–Atlanta, Chicago, and Carolina.
Teams like the Saints, Seahawks, and Bucs will have to prove they belong in the equation while clubs like the Lions and Rams still don’t know how to do simple math.
There are two very intriguing “sleepers” in the National Conference: Green Bay and San Francisco. The Packer’s Aaron Rogers has come on in the pre-season, which is a lot like saying you scored 1040 on your mock college boards. Rogers gets kudos, though, not for doing things quality QB’s should do but how he has done it: consistently zipping the ball into tight traffic, getting rid of it when in danger, and securing the pig bladder on every play.
The 49er’s status comes via Mike Singletary’s eyeballs; along with Dick Cheney’s snarl, the two scariest facial features on the planet. MD had a dream (nightmare?) in which, while playing linebacker for the Niners, Singletary singles Murray out, vice-grips his neck, and gives him that Manson mad, crossed-eyeball glare.
MD’s testicles fall to the floor and roll to the nearest locker room drain.
Singletary crossed-peepers were the symbol of unequaled focus while he was on the field. I can’t imagine his team playing any other way.
Some of you may be wondering why the Vikings get no mention as a contender. Two words: Brett Favre. Head coach Brad Childress was so desperate to get Number 4, he kind of forgot about the other 52 men on his roster. That kind of disloyalty will filter all the way down to the practice squad.
Philadelphia is in the same narrow canoe as the Vikes because of “The Dog Murderer and Donovan McNabb.” Sounds like a cheesy ’70s movie, doesn’t it?
Seriously, what the hell was Andy Reid thinking? Would it be cruel to wonder if the likeable Philadelphia coach was trying to give his wayward sons a second chance via Michael Vick? McNabb has already remarked how Vick’s participation has disrupted the offense’s rhythm. The soap opera could galvanize a talented club or just as easily destroy it.
The NFC’s most disappointing team will be the Cardinals. Kurt Warner will be older and more injury prone. The defense is unproven and the running game mediocre. Arizona will sneak up on no team this year.
Murray’s NFC division champs:
Dallas
San Francisco
Da Bears
Da Birds (Falcons)
Wild Cards
New York Giants
Carolina Panthers
The ‘Boys best the G–Men for the NFC crown.
THE AFC
By the time we got around to the American Football Conference Murray Dunnosquattis had switched to Jagermeister and I was on my fourth Ketel One and tonic. Fortunately, we weren’t so hammered to believe any of the predictions in this column might be remotely accurate.
MD divined that the Poe Birds will be the most disappointing of the AFC’s quality teams. The Raven offensive line has been in the top 5 for almost a decade, but teams won’t let Flacco have the time like they did in last year’s campaign. With Bart Scott’s defection to the Big Apple, and Rex Ryan now a Jet-setter, look for the Ravens to be more vulnerable on defense–no, that’s not a typo. The Raven’s defense will lose some luster this year.
The Black Birdies of Baltimore will be in the hunt, however. Harbaugh is a pretty intense guy and when you have Ray Lewis, you have something special.
Another contender will be the Chargers. Word out of Boltville cites LaDainian Tomlinson as itching to prove reports of his demise have been greatly exaggerated. San Diego has a talented team capable of achieving greatness–even with Norv Turner as head coach.
Speaking of mediocre coaches, how does Marvin Lewis still have a job? Oh, that’s right, he works for Mike Brown in Cincinnati. How fortunate for Steeler fans that Lewis and the unbelievably overrated and eminently hateable Eric Mangina coach two of their division rivals.
While we are naming the AFC’s worst teams, let’s give The Raiders their due. The punch Tom Cable threw at an assistant coach might be unmatched by any pass a Raider QB throws all year.
MD and I also feel safe in welcoming Denver to the conference basement. When you fire a Mike Shanahan, then hire a young coach who trades the best arm in the league and alienates the team’s most talented wide receiver, you get what you deserve.
The Chiefs and Bills also get a nomination for the Off-Season’s WTF Award. “Let me see, if I fire my OC a week before the season begins that will insure a Lombardi trophy, right?”
The Colt’s suffered the loss of inspirational leader, Tony Dungy, but with Peyton Manning behind center and Jim Caldwell letting the future HOFer call the plays, the Colts can still be a high hurdle for teams to get over in January.
Lots of pundits are going with Miami as 2009’s sexy pick. Murray and I aren’t convinced. Chad Pennington is more fragile than Bill Parcell’s ego. Teams will be ready for the Fish this year–and the “Wild Cat” will be obsolete before November.
Murray just doesn’t think the Ravens, the Bolts, or the Colts have the chops match up with the Pats, Titans and defending champs, Pittsburgh.
The only AFC club that may deserve “sleeper” status is the Jets. Rex Ryan has brought back the energy Mangini sucked out of the Meadowlands (it even affected the Giants). With Bart Scott as the imported defensive leader and a ballsy rookie quarterback, Mark Sanchez, the Jets could be the Patriots’ only divisional threat.
Here are Murray’s picks for the AFC in 2009
Division Champs:
Pittsburgh
New England
San Diego
Tennessee
Wild Cards:
The Jets
The Colts
Pittsburgh will slap New England in the AFC Championship game–it won’t be as easy for Belicheat’s boys when they don’t know the defensive calls in advance.
Super Bowl
Pittsburgh 30 Dallas 16
Nate Barlow
says:
September 9th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I agree, the AFC is the class of the NFL. But I'm not convinced that the Titans can maintain their level of play from last year. That may very well be a division taken by not losing as opposed to winning.
Gairzo
says:
September 10th, 2009 at 2:39 am
Well, it seems Murray and I were too drunk to remember to give Houston some love.
The Texans have a good defense and Kubiak is a good offensive guy–they also deserve legitimate attention as a dark horse. The AFC South is a tough division.
The Titans are loaded even without Haynesworth. Jeff Fisher is a great coach. They handled the Steelers late last year, then Bullock and White chose to blaspheme the Terrible Towel.
Their punishment will be having to listen to Myron Cope broadcasts for all of eternity. Yoy! and Double Yoy!"
I think the Steelers avenge that loss, 24-10
Nate Barlow
says:
September 10th, 2009 at 4:25 am
Absolutely, Pittsburgh avenges that loss. I like Houston. They've slowly been putting together a quality team and I think this could be the year they finally break through. They're definitely flying under the radar, and that could be a good thing.