The UFL Part III: What the Hell Is Going on Here?
Sunday, August 9, 2009 19:07
Imagine yourself at home on an autumn Friday evening. You’ve explored every link on your porn site(s)—-again. Your bank account barely has two numbers before the decimal point. Your perfumed, high-heeled, mini-skirted girlfriend has taken off for a weekend in Vegas with three of her girlfriends and their four “gay” friends.
You haven’t read a book in the last fifteen years. There is nothing on television, but a reality series set in a convent.
Your only escape is the UFL. I know what you’re thinking: “WTF is the UFL? Like the UFC?” No, but you would think the marketing gurus for the United Football League could come up with a unique acronym unto itself like the AFA for American Football Association.
The DIS Special Examination Division or DISSED—-now that’s an acronym—-has been assigned to write a four part series on the fledgling league. The first part can be found here: http://www.deepintosports.com/2009/07/25/ufl-united-football-league-nfl-competition-success-problems/
The second here: http://www.deepintosports.com/2009/08/03/ufl-united-football-league-nfl-minor-league-failure/
In the first two installments, we refer to the NFL as a monopoly.
Full disclosure: as a Steeler fan, I love the NFL. I pay DirectTV $160.00/yr for the privilege of being able to watch any game I want. It was either that or go to the local sports bar, spend three times the dinero and force myself to fend off nubile young women who find me irresistible. (Somehow, my wife doesn’t buy the last half of that equation. She’s so negative.)
We’ve already established many of the UFL executive brain trust and coaches were former NFL employees. We wondered out loud if the NFL is really behind the UFL.
We’ve alluded to how strange and even self-defeating it appears to be for any fledgling football league to pit itself against the behemoth that is the NFL and play games in the fall.
Could it be when we mentioned this possible collusion, we weren’t joking?
We weren’t joking.
The NFL bristles at the terms “monopoly” or “collusion” because those words, if describing the situation accurately, piss off people in Congress. In fact, the NFL will go to any length to convince the American public it is not a monopoly.
Let’s look at some numbers. These are approximate values culled from various sites. However, beyond the published amounts networks pay for the rights to broadcast NFL Games available on several websites, other numbers are difficult to pin down.
First, any NFL owner who cries poverty is a liar. The league has 32 teams worth over 20 billion dollars. Each team receives $700 million as its equal share of television money. Teams don’t share concession, parking, local merchandising, or sponsors.
Perspective? It costs about 2 cents to scrape the packing plant floor and mash up the guts, gristle and bone that comprise one good ol’ American hot dog, another 5 cents to package and ship it, and another 5 pennies to pay the folks who serve it. The regular version sells for $4.00-$5.00 at an NFL game. The premium version, with more food coloring and a pinch of real meat, costs $7.00.
Parking: $25.00-$40.00 per game.
Unofficial game jersey: $50.00.
Stadium naming rights: $5-$20 million/year.
Fast fact: Jerry Jones paid $140 million for the Cowboys in 1989. Estimates place the team’s current value at between 1.1 and 1.5 billion dollars.
Amazing fact: One study of ownership economics—-paid for by the NFLPA–found that team values had nearly quadrupled since 1998. (http://www.castonline.ilstu.edu/mcevoy/NFLstadia.pdf)
Do your own math. The numbers really are that staggering.
The UFL was designed to take advantage at what promises to be a contentious battle for pieces of that gargantuan money meringue pie when the NFL negotiates a new collective bargaining agreement with the players in 2010.
My theory: the UFL is a product of the NFL brain trust ostensibly designed to be a feeder system for the NFL.
And that’s not the only reason for the UFL. The impending NFL labor talks MUST produce an agreement that will address legitimate player rights to a sizable slab of the pie and the owners need to maintain a salary cap and revenue sharing.
The only way for that to happen is for rookie salaries to be strictly capped, leaving the whipped cream and fruit for players who have played 4-5 years or longer. Knowing how lawyers think, such an action will engender a lawsuit from college players for denying young men equal opportunity in employment. The UFL’s existence will be used by the NFL to forestall or mitigate that legal conflict.
Believe me, enough Congress people attend enough games to provide the NFL all the legal cover it needs.
Two weeks ago, we launched our Top Nine List of ideas the UFL must implement to be a success. Here, now, the top three…
3.) Clarify some announcer clichés so we can delude ourselves into thinking they make sense. For, example, “He loves the game.” Before each game, a player will be randomly selected to recite a verbal essay or poem on why he loves the game. To spice it up, the selected player must wear a costume designed by a woman, or other innocent victims he may have screwed over. If the UFL plays it right we might get to see Adam “Pac Man” Jones recite in a thong leaning on a strippers pole—-or maybe Michael Vick in a dog collar and heels. How ‘bout Big Ben inside a TV console with an “Out of Order sign. We could even have the guys speak in Olde English. “Cometh to my room, oh innocent money grubbing harlot as my knobs needeth tweaking and my channels surfethed.”
Even if the football sucks, Thursday nights would be interesting.
2.) Random yard-lines will conceal sheets of 3/4-inch plywood covered with brick wallpaper. These sheets of wood will be fitted into a hydraulic propulsion device and be programmed by in-stadium league officials to instantaneously bolt upright out of the turf during choice moments of game action.
This will starkly define the exact meaning of the much-overused phrase “He ran into a brick wall.” (For safety’s sake, players will be outfitted with special athletic supporters in case the edge of the plywood catches them between the wishbones.)
1.) Instead of yardage penalties players will wear shock collars and be zapped for annoying and inexcusable five-yard infractions. For ten or fifteen-yard violations, players will be TASERED. For major infractions like pass interference, players will have the choice of shooting themselves in the leg or enduring sleep deprivation while watching a loop of Terrel Owens doing sit-ups in his driveway.
TEAM PROFILE
Still, no names from UFL headquarters. Here’s our pick for the name of the Sunshine State’s UFL franchise…
The ORLANDO GASMS
The Or-Gasms or Oh, Oh, O-Gasms for short.
T-Shirt sales will skyrocket. “Love dem Or-Gasms!”
Team Logo – A vibrating dildo and two words: “Don’t Stop!”
First Alternate – The ORLANDO LAKES
Might be copyright issues for the UFL to hurdle, but not if they acquire the rights-—ala the Steelers & U.S. Steel-—to the corporate trade mark of the butter conglomerate headquartered in Wisconsin.
My Personal Favorite – The ORLANDO CALRISSIANS
The cheerleaders could dress as slutty versions of Princess Lea.
Head Coach – Jim Haslett – Had a couple decent defenses in Pittsburgh; took New Orleans to the play-offs and kept them together during the Katrina debacle. They must be paying him a shitload of money.
What other names would you like for the Florida franchise of the UFL. Any ideas on what else the league can do to get people to watch?
Is the UFL an NFL creation?
NEXT WEEK
We’ll explore the issue further and discuss the role of colleges and other salient reasons the UFL was created—and try to tie everything together…
16 Responses to “The UFL Part III: What the Hell Is Going on Here?”
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Twitted by AllTheBaseball says:
August 9th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
[...] This post was Twitted by AllTheBaseball [...]
Ron
says:
August 10th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Gary,
I have been following the league for I beleive over two years now. It is not the NFL's pet project. Prior to conceiving of the UFL, Wall-Street investor Bill Hambrecht had approached the NFL about a potential expansion franchise. He was told that an expansion franchise was valued at $500 million, but also that the league had no intention to expand at that point in time. The NFL would have little to gain from expanding into some of the vacant markets because expansion dilutes the television revenue (which is the NFL's primary source of income). Why further divide that revenue between yet even more team owners? As a result of the NFL's response, Bill Hambrecht decided he would pursue the creation of his own professional football league…the UFL.
Roger Goodell has only recently been discussing the possibility of an "NFL Spring," so I think if the NFL does create its own developmental league in smaller markets, it will probably be during the Spring season.
Nate Barlow
says:
August 10th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Jim Haslett is a great coaching pick-up for the UFL. The coaching job he did New Orleans after Katrina is beyond impressive. That team meant everything to that city in regaining a sense of normalcy and pride.
The more recognizable names involved, the better for the new league. Known coaches (regardless of previous success) are money well-spent.
It will be interesting to see what happens when the NFL's next CBA is negotiated. Even if there is no connection between the two leagues (and, Ron, unlike Gary I'm not necessarily convinced there is a direct link, but you never know how corporate money is filtered, almost laundered, for indirect control, especially when dealing with a monopoly like the NFL) it may very well be in the NFL's best interest to allow the UFL to survive for the CBA negotiations. After those are completed, the NFL may very well want to stomp out the competition… but at that point it may be too late. So the UFL's timing could be very fortuitous.
Love the Orlando Calrissians. However, if you've ever visited San Diego Comic-Con, having the cheerleaders dressed as slutty Leas (I'm assuming you're talking Return of the Jedi slave Leas) may not be a good idea. Yes, the cheerleaders would be fine, but I'd hate to see some of the outfits of the fans. *shudder*
Nate Barlow
says:
August 10th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Wish I could have been a fly on the wall of the early discussions as they tried to answer the question, "How do we succeed where others have failed?"
It's sad that while I'm willing to believe Hambrecht's intentions are well-meaning and separate from the NFL, I just don't trust the NFL not to try to manipulate things somehow. While I don't have high opinions of any of the governing bodies (MLB with steroids, NCAA is corrupt in every morsel of its being, etc) the NFL's ability to control things is both admirable and scary.
Ron
says:
August 10th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Bill Hambrecht has earned a reputation for doing things his own way and going "against the grain." It has worked in his favor up to this point. I do believe the UFL has built a better foundation than other start-ups. We will soon find out what the UFL is able to accomplish.
Ron
says:
August 10th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Well, I say consumers decide, not the NFL.
Something else to bear in mind is that Roger Goodell, Peter King, and others have indicated an NFL Lock-out in 2011 is imminent. If the NFL ceases operations in 2011 (which would be the UFL's third season), it would mean a significant talent pool would become available to the UFL. How would that change the UFL's position? It could be an equalizer, and you'd better believe that UFL owners are eyeing the possibilities in that third season.
Gairzo
says:
August 10th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
EXACTLY!
That's the connection that screams collusion.
Next week I get into how Goodell and the boys will use the UFL to in effect, break the NFLPA as much as it can and/or turn the monetary structure of the game inside out—capping rookie contracst, more shared revenue—I believe, as with any monopoly, the NFL's goal is to minimize costs and maximize profits.
Also, there is a growing sentiment among the players to provide for the older generations of NFL veterans and in the last two CBA negotiations, the owners used that as a chip they believed the players would throw away–and they were right.
If there is a lockout, t won't last more than a weekk. Too much money at stake.
Ron
says:
August 10th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Anything in this crazy world is possible, Gary. But, given what I know about the UFL and the people affiliated with it, I firmly believe there is no NFL connection. Alternative football leagues usually drive up NFL salaries, and that will likely be the end result with this league since it intends on offering certain players better deals. I don't think the ends will justify the means despite the likely 2011 lock-out. Plus, if we have a 1960's AFL type merger, there is the further division of television revenue to consider. It will hurt certain NFL markets (especially if that merger results in additional New York and San Francisco franchises). I don't see where this scenario will play out favorably for the NFL in the end. I instead see at as a possible scenario in which the NFL is forced to compromise with a competitor.
Nate Barlow
says:
August 10th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
If the UFL is successful, things of course don't play out favorably for the NFL. If the UFL is mediocre, the NFL can subjugate it to a minor league–call it a wash at best. If the UFL fails, then the NFL keeps its monopoly and may skate through the CBA negotiations in a way it would not otherwise.
So the success of the UFL hinges on Season 2. They already expect to take a loss on Season 1, so that's accepted as start up costs. If the league can survive and even profit in Season 2, then it can take advantage of the NFL's lockout situation to bolster Season 3.
And that's regardless of whether the NFL has a hand in it or not.
Gairzo
says:
August 11th, 2009 at 12:36 am
And if that season were scuttled–which will never happen–the NFL will say to the remnants of the NFLPA, "We'll offer you a better deal." But, that deal will not have the zeros current contracts feature.
Sorry guys, this league was created to coincide with a potential lockout. I am just too cynical to believe that confluence of events is random.
AND, again, let's say Ron's analysis is accurate and the UFL does sign a bunch of NFL players. No NFL fan will care.
The way I figure it, if these billionaires and millionaires can't tweak a system that is making them rich beyond most of humanity, I won't watch them play with lower tier players.
It'll never get there.
Next week, I'll talk about the colleges and where they fit in.
Ron
says:
August 11th, 2009 at 4:12 am
Why do you believe NFL fans would not care to watch the UFL if the UFL had NFL players and NFL time slots on television via the NFL lock-out? I think there would be a flux of NFL fans tuning into the UFL.
There is no way the UFL is a puppet of the NFL. That just doesn't fit. UFL owners will gain while NFL owners lose millions.
Nate Barlow
says:
August 11th, 2009 at 4:42 am
Personally, I think NFL fans will watch during a lock-out… the question being before then. As I said, Season 2, since the league is already expecting to operate at a deficit for Season 1.
Gairzo
says:
August 11th, 2009 at 4:55 am
Because: a.) the networks are not going to give NFL game time slots to any rival football league. When the lockout ends the nets are gonna have to deal with a very pissed off monopoly that has its own network–and don't think that little factoid doesn't carry weight–and NBC will gladly take CBS's NFC package. Cable nets will also step into that breach and arranging games to be aired on local stations in areas without cable is already a viable option. b.)The NFL isn't really so much about the players as it is about colors and cities, and identities. You think folks in Green Bay are gonna watch Aaron Rodgers playing for the Orlando Calrissians against James Harrison and the New York Goombahs?. The first 1-3 weeks may get a tolerable rating; after that nobody will care.
Finally, you allude to the dollars at stake–which makes the above discussion academic. Ain't no way in hell Roger Goodell lets it get neatr that far.
If I'm wrong about corporate collusion and your right about your boy Hambrecht, it may be he's positioning leverage for an LA expansion team.
He's in for a shocker when Roger still wants a half billion to join the club.
Why would the NFL merge with a league they can use as a minor league? New teams in San Fran and New York?
Hope that Kool-Aid tastes good.
Ron
says:
August 11th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Regardless of whether or not the networks pick up the UFL (which is obviously contingent on how successful the UFL is in its first two seasons), it will still draw more viewers even on cable channels if the UFL can air football games during times when more fans are used to seeing them (during NFL time slots).
Time will tell how it all pans out. Hopefully my Kool-Aid tastes better than yours.
Nate Barlow
says:
August 12th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
3 Down, 1 To Go:
Las Vegas Locomotives
California Redwoods
Florida Tuskers
I like Locomotives (especially abbreviated "Locos"; sounds like a team destined to steamroll someone. But it doesn't feel very "Vegas"'; should have been used for another city.
Redwoods sounds like a big imposing O-line, but there is no energy to the name–we're talking a stationary item here!
Tusker could be cool if it has some fierce animal connection. Which leads me to…
The uniforms–ouch! Couldn't they have varied the design just a little? And that green of the Redwoods is an eyesore.
Ron
says:
August 12th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Most of us don't think of Locomotives when we think of Vegas, but the locals do. It is apparently a big part of Vegas' history and the development of the region, so it will mean something to the fan base.
I agree about Redwoods. I am not fond of it. But, it also has a local connection. The Redwood Sequoias in Northern California are the tallest trees in the world.
A Tusker is a wild boar, which are indigineous to Florida and Georgia (but can't be found much anywhere else in the United States).
The uniforms were apparantly done ahead of the team names, which is why they look the way they do. Individual team owners will have the option of changing the uniforms in season two.
Redwoods uniforms remind me of the Lime Green uniforms of the Orlando Thunder of the WLAF (which later became NFLE). I think all of the uniforms will look better under different lighting (e.g., on the football field).