The UFL: Déjà Vu All Over Again–Once More…
Saturday, July 25, 2009 21:33
Editor’s note: This will be the first of a four part series to familiarize our readers with the fledgling United Football League (UFL). Each installment will analyze the new league’s unique problems and what it must do to survive. In addition, the DIS Special Examination Division, or the DISSED, will take a look at each of the inaugural four teams, their coaches and potential rosters.
Yet another upstart football league will be poking its head out of the sports closet this fall. All dressed in pretty new clothes and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible–or, at least, not piss off the NFL bosses–United Football League (UFL) execs are quick to point out they aspire only to be a feeder system for the NFL and will only sign players cut by NFL teams or those relegated to practice squads.
NEW RULES
Some new wrinkles the UFL is developing might make the league–intentionally or not–a testing ground for the NFL:
Players’ salaries will be capped. Technological innovations like digital video available to help coaches draw up plays for quarterbacks in the huddle will be employed; each team gets an offensive possession in overtime before sudden death kicks in; coaches will be miked during games.
And get this: quarterbacks can dump the ball in the backfield if they are under duress. (Rumor has it Steelers icon, Jack Lambert, is a consultant on the design of the skirts UFL passers will be required to wear.)
Is it just me, or do these new wrinkles look suspiciously like older wrinkles–albeit all botoxed up–other failed football leagues introduced? Remember the XFL’s roving overhead camera now used at most NFL games; the salary structure of the WFL, NFLE, USFL?
Mmmm… do you think some kind of collusion could be at work here?
Hundreds of billions of dollars at stake? It’s a silly, cynical question, right?
Don’t let Michael Huyghue, the man behind the UFL curtain fool you. The league has been in the works for a few years now. Not coincidentally, right after Roger Goodell and his minions announced they were backing out of the current collective bargaining agreement with the players–and thereby threatening a lockout in 2010–because they were just paying the players too much.
Check out this little tidbit from the UFL’s website, http://www.uflfootball.com/about:
Commissioner Michael Huyghue has over 20 years of NFL management experience and is considered the architect in establishing the Jacksonville Jaguars as the winningest franchise of the NFL within a five-year span in his role as the team’s Senior Vice President of Football Operations. While with the NFL, Commissioner Huyghue served on several of the NFL Commissioner’s prominent committees, including NFL Management Council, the Executive Working Group Committee, the NFL College Advisory Committee, the NFL Europe League and as a Trustee of the NFL Players Insurance Trust. Prior to joining the UFL, Huyghue was CEO/Founder of Axcess Sports & Entertainment, where he represented a number of NFL, NBA and PGA Tour players. The League’s COO is Frank Vuono who significantly expanded the scope of NFL Properties as its Vice President of Retail Licensing…
Collusion? Don’t be ridiculous.
Okay, I am starting to get angry.
To maintain a viable diastolic blood pressure number, my brilliant editor has graciously allowed me to channel my rage into this four-part column about the UFL.
Without further ado…
THE TOP NINE IDEAS TO MAKE THE UFL A SUCCESS
Top nine? You ask…
Well, having a Top Ten would be a blatant rip–off and, more importantly, require your humble columnist to work one-tenth longer than he absolutely has to…
9.) No helmets. For decades now, the NFL has been trying to police players away from “using the helmet as a weapon” to reduce concussions and potential spinal cord injuries. During that span, league honchos have done everything possible to improve helmet design–and thereby make that piece of equipment a more perfect weapon for tackling with the noggin. We will get to see at least a couple brains oozing onto the ground before UFL players grasp proper tackling technique. Can that be a bad thing?
Of course players have to have something on their heads…
How ‘bout Derbys?
8.) Steroids? HGH? MANDATORY! Such a policy will spare us the tired debate on whether records count or the advantages some players may have on the wimps who have genuine integrity and respect for the game they play. UFL players must indulge in steroids or risk expulsion. The league will monitor individual players’ blood pressure–minimum 100 diastolic–and measure their gonads weekly. It’s shrink or go home, gentlemen.
7.) Saline enhanced UFL cheerleaders must surround the perimeter of each field and stay within three feet of the sideline–and have a minimum breast size of 56 JJJ. At least once a game, we are just about guaranteed to see a violent collision, between player and cheerleader, causing several gallons of salt water to spew and drench some lucky fan(s).
This one might be difficult to implement, as the first four rows of fans will have to protect themselves with plastic sheeting as if they were attending a Gallagher concert.
Talk about fun for the whole family.
TEAM PROFILE
This weeks featured team will be the New York…
Oh that’s right, the UFL hasn’t bothered to name their teams yet. Good to see the crack NF–I mean UFL marketing division on top of their game. I guess the intrepid DISSED team will be forced to provide this service for our readers.
Our picks for the name of the UFL’s Empire State entry…
The NEW YORK PITAS
Not the bread, but an acronym for Pains In The Asses, which many New Yorkers are or call anyone who has the temerity to not live in New York.
Team Logo – A cigar-smoking donkey kicking a nun in the rump.
First alternate – The NEW YORK NUISANCE
My Personal Favorite – The NEW YORK GOOMBAHS. We could call the cheerleaders “The Goombetts.”
Head Coach – Ted Cottrell has led superior Buffalo defenses–at least in 1999–and San Diego’s defense when Shawn Merriman was on steroids.
It just doesn’t get any better than that.
What name would you give the New York team? What technologies would you implement that UFL execs haven’t considered?
NEXT WEEK
We will explore other questions, proffer three more ideas to insure UFL survival and profile the UFL’s Las Vegas franchise.
5 Responses to “The UFL: Déjà Vu All Over Again–Once More…”
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Nate Barlow
says:
July 27th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Well, something had to fill the void left by the Arena Football League in case they are unable to develop a new "economic model" to resume play with a 2010 season.
It still amazes me that of all these alternative football leagues, Arena had the longest run at something resembling success.
It will be interesting to see what the UFL comes up with to give us any reason to care.
Gairzo
says:
July 28th, 2009 at 4:47 am
As I alluded to in this installment and I'll detail in a couple weeks, I'm not sure the UFL serves any other purpose but to become an alternative for locked out NFL players. Then once Roger and the Boys break the union, they'll level out rookie salaries and shift big money to second contract vets.
Look at the UFL exec list. These are longtime NFL punjabs who just happened to all leave the NFL at the same time? This is a monopoly going for the brass ring for no otther reason than "because it can."
I'll get into it in the next couple weeks.
Nate Barlow
says:
July 28th, 2009 at 5:38 am
The executive structure is definitely fishy. And even if their stated purpose of being a feeder system is for real, wasn't that the failed concept of the World League / NFL Europe?
Gairzo
says:
July 28th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Excellent point. I guess Roger would say it was logistically challenging to manage a league across a vast ocean. But, I don't think the WFL aspired to be a feeder system. In any event, the NFL is a growing monopoly.
Nate Barlow
says:
July 28th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Fair enough… I can't recall if the World League was initially intended to be a feeder system, but it certainly evolved into such.
Yes, the NFL's monopolistic power is scary.