Deep Into Sports Diary 3-1-09
Monday, March 2, 2009 10:35
Sunday February 28th, 2009
Dear Diary,
I went golfing today. For the first time in months, I hit respectable, legitimate approach shots. I only had two three putts, but I sunk a seventy footer, and two putted twice more from beyond 50 feet.
Only today, I drove the ball like an arthritic penguin and was painfully inconsistent with my long irons.
Golf is the only game a player can seemingly get to a point of consistency—where (s)he performs an aspect of the game decently 7-8 times out of 10—and then play a round and suddenly be unable to repeat that same action. I had been driving consistently well for 6 months. Hitting 8-10 fairways per round; last two weeks, I’m slicing it up like Emiril Lagasse on coke.
At moments like those, visions of suicide creep in to my cranium. The thought process goes something like, “If I could figure out a way to beat myself to death with my eight-iron, the world would certainly be better off.” Then, it dawns on me that after the first self inflicted whack to my head, I would most likely be too disoriented to successfully thrash myself into the Grim Reapers mitts, and would end up looking like nothing more than a stumbling fool with a gash in his skull.
Usually, at that moment my friend offers me a beer. I sip it as we watch a little Asian girl uncork a 250 yarder right down Broadway. He makes a wise-ass comment, like:
“I don’t think you’ve ever hit your driver that far.”
A debate flashes through my synapses: “Would it be worth the jail time if I beat him to death with my 8-iron?”
Unfortunately, he is my friend, so the answer is always “no.” I mean, I would have to tell his kid, “I’m sorry, Timmy, Uncle Gary had to kill your daddy because he is a insufferable smart-ass.”
Knowing the little brat, he’d probably say, “That’s okay, at least he didn’t suck at golf!”
Next thing you know, I‘m on the local news driving under trees to avoid a TV copter’s spotlight. It seems I am wanted for double homicide.
I ditch my Camry and hide under a bay window in Sherman Oaks. Just before the cops close in to cuff me, I hear the local news anchor through the window:
“You know, Vanessa, there were no outstanding warrants for this individual, wait, wait, I’m being told he really sucked at golf… Poor guy…”
4 Responses to “Deep Into Sports Diary 3-1-09”
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Nate Barlow
says:
March 3rd, 2009 at 6:47 am
Okay, Gary, we have to play a round!
I've never played frequently enough to be even inconsistently good, let alone consistently, although I have had a couple moments of brilliance. I'd love to play more, no matter how much I'll suck. I did have the good fortune to play one world-class course (Pumpkin Ridge) with a club pro, a valuable learning experience even for my meager skills.
Of course, knowing you have no chance going in means expectations are comfortably low and easy to surpass!
Gairzo
says:
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I'd love to. Are you free weekdays. If not, we need to make a tee time for the weekend.
BTW: Addendum…I go golfing the day after…Little executive course in Van Nuys. I hit my irons fairly well, skulled a couple chips (dammit!), but, I'm sinking 12 footers, 20 footers, putting well…
We get to the 8th hole and I'm six over. For a par 30 exec course, that's great for me. My friend says "you're doing well." "Yeah, I'm putting lights out."
Next hole, I got lucky and hit my iron thin, still got on the green 35 feet away…
Four putted!@#
Nate Barlow
says:
March 3rd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Have to be a weekend sometime.
I guess after your friend said, "You're doing well," you needed to knock on one of your woods.
ernessa
says:
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:04 pm
I loved this post! But let me tell you, I hate myself some golf. I'll give any sport a go or two, but not golf — not b/c it's boring, but b/c it's really, really hard. It messes with my self-esteem. Just not worth the depression spiral. Gotta protect myself from this vicious, vicious sport.