The Hate List
Sunday, December 21, 2008 13:28
DISCLAIMER Born and raised in a small Pittsburgh suburb where the smell of slag meant people were working hard and proud of it. I wear Pirate gear as proudly as Steeler and Penguin stuff.
Last week, I‘m in a sports bar the Flyers are losing a hockey game, the Steelers rallying against the Cowboys and the Yankees paying another mediocre player 80 million bucks. Mmm…Flyer, Cowboys, Yankees, I hate them all. Being a nostalgic guy, I started reviewing my personal sports hate list and it’s muti-decade evolution.
It dawned on me; I can’t be the only guy in America who maintains and regularly updates a such a list? Or can I?
Not a difficult task. Just ask yourself ‘Who do I Hate?’. There is no wrong answer, but like any legitimate endeavor—there are rules…
1.) The Hater must have a logical basis for his or her hate.
For example, you can’t hate the Denver Bronco’s just for wearing hideous uniforms but you can hate them if you once lived there and endured the very overrated “Orange Crush” defense.—they didn’t appreciate me calling them the Orange Slush—and because their hideous uniforms remind you of Mr. Ed on steroids.
2.) The Hater must prove undying loyalty and love for one particular team or city.
For example, if a hater hails from Boston and calls himself a Patsy fan, he must defend Bellidick and the Cheaters vociferously. Patriot haters know New England’s success of the last decade will forever be tainted and their rise on the Universal Hate Barometer—located atop a rowhouse in Philadelphia, where else?—eclipses that of the “Raidas” during the ‘70’s and the Cryboys for, oh, the last 40 years. The Cowboys, in fact, are the only team never to fall on the UHB. Probably a safe bet that status will never change given the UHB’s home
3.) The Hater cannot be a Yankees or Notre Dame fan.
If you are so much of a loser to root for teams with built in advantages for winning you cannot legitimately hate those of us who root for teams that struggle for years or decades in between seasons of success.
4.) The Hater cannot love a natural or otherwise determined rival of her beloved team.
There is no fence sitting in Hateball. If you love the Clippers, you cannot have a soft spot in your heart for the Lakers. If you love the Flyers you cannot think the Penguin’s logo is cute because it reminds you of Tennessee Tuxedo.
So, who do you hate?
Next week… the beginning of my Hate List.
